When we first learned that Patrick Kane and Tyler Seguin would be playing for the same Swiss team during the lockout, we had visions of the two of them tearing it up over there. But then we got word that Kane would be bringing his mom along for the ride, and suddenly the whole thing seemed less like Wet Hot American Summer and more like Wet Hot American Summer if someone's Mom had been around the whole time.
As a result, Kane's sojourn didn't turn into the Deadspin content factory we quite expected. There's just no time for partying when every night is movie night with Mom.
But, like an inquisitive bird, Seguin was motherless in Switzerland, and if a report from a Swiss tabloid is to be believed, he did tear it up. But by "it", we just mean his apartment.
Seguin will be remembered as a goal-scorer, having lit the lamp 26 times for EHC Biel-Bienne, but the other half of his Swiss legacy is as a legendary slob. According to the Putzinstitut Lüpold cleaning company that occasionally tidied his place, the man lived in abject squalor.
From a Blick.ch report, translated by The Local:
“The parquet floor was littered with coins worth 220 francs,” Blick reported.
Coca-cola bottles, garbage and dirty linen lay scattered across the floor, while rotten bananas were left on a table, the newspaper said.
The bathroom was a shambles and the cleaning company spent a full day tidying the apartment.
In other words: if you are thinking of going into Tyler Seguin's apartment... don't.
Again: it took a team of professional cleaners a full day to put his 3.5 bedroom apartment back together. The bathroom was a shambles! Rotten bananas everywhere! An aggressive family of European polecats living in the closet!
But Seguin's issue goes beyond a slovenliness. He didn't know how to work his appliances. He just had no idea what to do with them. Maybe the instructions were in Romansh?
Blick said the hockey player was “not versed in appliances” and as a result tried to wash his clothes in the dryer.
“He also did not know how to operate the dishwasher . . . when he ran out of clean plates, glasses and cutlery, he bought plastic tableware.”
Marc Lüpold, the managing director of the cleaning company, was diplomatic about the revelations.
“You could tell it was the first time a young, single man had an apartment,” Lüpold told Blick.
I hear that. I didn't learn to put rotten bananas in the garbage until apartment three. (I originally thought they went in the dryer.)
Now, this report is a series of assumptions filtered through a tabloid, so take it with a grain of salt (and then translate that grain of salt into English). But if Tyler Seguin truly tried to wash his clothes in the dryer, well, he's a genius. Moving the clothes straight from the hamper to the dryer and cutting out the middleman is a brave and novel concept. That's how Costco changed America.
But seriously, Chris Kelly is a brave man for wearing Seguin's Biel jersey at the Bruins' skate today. If Seguin handled the laundry duties on that thing, there's a good chance it's crawling with superviruses.
Lüpold refrained from going into more detail, supposedly because he didn't want to jeopardize his company's contract with Biel. But if Tyler Seguin's apartment was truly as it's been described -- basically, the torture cell from Saw, but with more rotting fruit -- it may just be too traumatic for Lüpold to go back there, even in his memory.
s/t to Deadspin.
Follow Harrison Mooney on Twitter at @HarrisonMooney