If you haven’t seen Greg Zanon of the Colorado Avalanche lately, he looks like Lex Luthor being devoured by the floor of a barber shop, having suddenly and inexplicably turned sentient and carnivorous.
His beard should be the product of four consecutive seven-game playoff series, and we’re only on Game No. 3 of the regular season for the Avs. We don’t want to say his beard is epic, but he makes Leonidas look like that floppy haired kid from One Direction that Taylor Swift is going to emo-country on her next album.
Via the intrepid reporting of Adrian Dater of the Denver Post, we have learned much about this specimen recently. Here are five facts about The Beard of Greg Zanon ...
1. It doesn’t have a name. As Alan Rickman taught us in “Dogma”, human beings “have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice.” We imagine hearing The Beard’s true name would have the same effect. Better it be left unspoken.
2. It does, however, have its own Twitter feed. Alas, @ZanonsBeard has a rather paltry number of followers for follicles so impressive. Consider that Cal Clutterbuck’s Mustache has over 2,700 followers despite not having tweeted since Nov. 2011.
3. It acts as a force field. Matt Duchene was hit in the chin with the puck last game, and feared he could have lost “all his teeth.” If only he had the protection of Zanon’s Mighty Beard! “It would bounce right off,” said the keeper of the Beard. “It acts as a force field.”
4. It’s actually a surrogate for the hair he lacks on his head. As Zanon told Dater, “I can’t grow it on top of my head. I like to feel like I have something I need to take care of. So I condition my beard and I take good care of it so it stays nice and fresh.” So fresh and so clean!
5. His wife doesn’t like it. This is, perhaps, The Beard of Zanon’s greatest foe. Be wary.
See more about The Beard of Zanon on this video clip.