Eulogy: Remembering the 2014-15 Vancouver Canucks

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hate them the most. Here is The Royal Half, the brilliant Los Angeles Kings blogger, fondly recalling the 2014-15 Vancouver Canucks. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.) 

By The Royal Half

There are Puck Daddy readers who believe that these Eulogies, especially the ones written by Greg Wyshynski, have become tedious opportunities for idiotic bloggers who never even played the game to recycle a bunch of old jokes about a team that has just been eliminated from the playoffs.

And I have to say that I agree. Take the 2014-15 Vancouver Canucks for instance. No one wants to hear that old joke about how just four years ago this franchise won back-to-back President's Trophies and was one win away from capturing its first ever Stanley Cup Championship. That's just irrelevant... like Michael Ferland.

No, Puck Daddy readers would rather focus on how since 2012, the Canucks have won as many playoff games (three) as the Toronto Maple Leafs or the Florida Panthers.

I promise not to bring up any old jokes about the 2011 Stanley Cup Final. I mean, readers are soooo tired of hearing about that series and would much rather focus on how the Vancouver Canucks are the all-time NHL leader in Stanley Cup Final Futility.

That's some pretty rare company.

And no one wants to hear that old joke about how the Canucks fired the general manager that led the team to five straight division titles, two consecutive President's Trophies and a trip to the Stanley Cup Final. No, readers would rather learn about how when it came time for the Vancouver Canucks ownership group to find a new leader, they searched for someone whose name was synonymous with "Recent Playoff Success" and "Vancouver Canucks."

And when Markus Naslund wasn't available, the Canucks hired Trevor Linden.

Linden was actually the perfect choice to lead this new Canucks team away from its reputation of being an "old joke" and return it to its former glory. For instance, when the Canucks were down in their series to the Calgary Flames... Linden brought back the oldest of Vancouver Canucks playoff traditions:

Throwing in the towel.

Your annual reminder that the Canucks have a statue of a coach waving a towel at the entry to their arena.

And I know Puck Daddy readers are SOOO tired of the countless old jokes about Canucks former head coach Alain Vigneault. I know that when he was fired he was the winningest coach in Vancouver history but seriously... what has that guy done lately?

Besides totally dominate the Eastern Conference.

The old joke for the Vancouver Canucks used to be that they were "soft." Well, Puck Daddy readers are lucky they never have to hear that old joke ever again. Everyone knows that in the Western Conference if you want to succeed... you need to be strong down the middle, especially with your top two centers. So naturally, one of the first moves Linden and new GM Jim Benning executed was to trade away the only player on their roster that made them strong down the middle.

Somehow, Canucks management thought that Nick Bonino would be their answer to the rest of the Western Conference. Well, as we learned this postseason... the only thing smaller than Nick Bonino is the Vancouver Canucks Stanley Cup window.

The Vancouver Canucks really thought they had made themselves a tougher team to face in the playoffs this season.

And then they were manhandled by this:

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to see the Canucks get eliminated by a team that struggled to make the playoffs. In 2012, the Canucks were knocked off in five games in their opening round matchup against the Los Angeles Kings. In 2013, the Canucks were swept by the San Jose Sharks in the first Round. It's a pretty sad state of affairs in Vancouver right now that their hockey team couldn't even beat two teams that didn't qualify for the playoffs this year.

Another old joke that you'll never have to hear is how the Vancouver Canucks give out awful contracts to bad players. Gone are the jokes about Canucks management signing contracts like defenseman Jason Garrison for 6-years/$27.2 million or goalie Roberto Luongo for 12-years/$64 million.

No that joke is over because the Canucks have signed Luca Sbisa to a 3-year, $10.8 million contract.

Oops, I'm so sorry I even mentioned Roberto Luongo! I know that all Puck Daddy readers are tired of that old joke which has been beaten into the ground. So instead, the Vancouver Canucks traded away Luongo and Cory Schneider so they could sign Ryan Miller, who just gets regularly beaten.


The only Canadians that are tweeting #StartMiller right now are the ones that want him to play for Team USA at the Worlds. That way at least one Canadian team can win a championship this season.

And of course we are done making any old joke about rioting in Vancouver. Because the Canucks already made a bigger joke of it than any of us ever could.

Only in Canada would they use "classy" to describe an anti-rioting video.

But perhaps the oldest joke in Vancouver are the Sedin twins. Literally... the oldest joke. The Sedins turn 35 this year and their legacy just might be the most talented winger and center teammates to never win the Stanley Cup. For American audiences that may not be familiar with Henrik and Daniel Sedin... they are like the Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau of Canada.

With their careers coming to an end soon, Canucks fans better hope that Henrik and Daniel are enshrined on a Hockey Hall of Fame plaque since that will be the only important piece of metal that will feature their name.

This is the part of the Eulogy where the blogger makes fun of the team's city. But I'm not going to drag out that old joke too. Mainly because I have no problem with the city of Vancouver. The people are healthy and active, the food is excellent and marijuana is legal. It's just like Los Angeles... but with two fewer Stanley Cup Championships.

The Sedins aren't the only member of the Canucks that are getting old. Leading goal scorer Radim Vrbata is 34. Ryan Miller will be 35 this summer. Kevin Bieksa is 33 while fellow defenseman Dan Hamhuis is 32. With Luongo and Kesler gone and the Sedins aging, the identity of this team is now Alex Burrows. So Vancouver finally has the player and the team they deserve.

For this core Canucks group, much like Vancouver's own Seth Rogen... it seems like their best work was years ago.

And just in case you totally don't have a reason to hate the 2014-15 Vancouver Canucks by now... just realize that they will forever be remembered as the team that allowed this to happen:

They justified mainstream media making fun of advanced stats.