If you have spent much time on the Internet over the past few years, you're probably familiar with NMA World Edition, a very important Taiwanese news organization that animates the world's biggest stories in the most ridiculous ways possible. They are probably going to win the Nobel Peace Prize in 2025.
Because we've all been very patient basketball fans, NMA has put out an informative video explaining the NBA lockout. After the jump, I will attempt to narrate exactly what happens.
NBA commissioner David Stern, who looks like Pat O'Brien or a skinny version of Martin Mull, is with a doctor holding a giant metal lollipop. They are torturing an anthropomorphic version of the Detroit Pistons logo. Next, Stern, who wears a suit with his name emblazoned on the front in yellow letters (presumably so no one confuses him with Pat O'Brien), guards Derek Fisher in a one-on-one game in front of a giant crowd. Fisher apparently received the surgery dramatized in the movie "Face/Off" and now looks more like Kobe Bryant or Lamar Odom. Fisher shoots a money basketball in an attempt to end the lockout before the deadline to cancel games hits, but Stern rejects it at the rim in what should be a very obvious goaltending violation. I can only assume that they're playing by NBA Jam rules and Stern recently hit three shots in a row to catch fire. Cut to Fisher and LeBron James, who wears a crown, attempting to cut up 57 percent of an NBA pizza with a reasonably sized knife. Stern is having none of that, so he takes a chainsaw to the pizza, splits it down the middle, and ruins the party for everyone. What a jerk.
Anthropomorphic Cleveland Cavaliers and Milwaukee Bucks logos are on life support in a hospital. Stern is more concerned with the state of the Pistons, though, presumably after feeling guilty for torturing it earlier. Unfortunately the doctor continues to torture and it literally dies. Stern weeps.
Stern and a bald man in a Time Warner Cable-sponsored wedding dress are getting married. Stern carries him across the threshold into the honeymoon suite, where they apparently have very bizarre love/money sex. I guess that love wasn't enough to make Stern happy, though, because he steals LeBron's crown and replaces it with a hard salary cap made of very hot metal. His mansion is then magically replaced by a still-very-nice-looking house. LeBron then gets dunked on by a Taiwanese player, who breaks the backboard because he is so powerful. Everyone in Taiwan loves the lockout, especially that panda which stands on its hind legs. I think he's the country's beneficent dictator.
There, now you understand the issues of the NBA lockout perfectly. Thanks, NMA!
(Video via EOB)
- Derek Fisher