Welcome to the new season of Teeing Off, where Devil Ball editor Jay Busbee and head writer Shane Bacon take a day's topic and smack it all over the course. Suggest a future topic by writing email@example.com, or hit us on Twitter at @jaybusbee and @shanebacon. Today, we're pursuing hard-hitting journalism by considering which golfers need a Johnson Wagner-style makeover.
Busbee: So Johnson Wagner won the Sony Open sporting the best 'stache seen in the Hawaiian Islands since Thomas Magnum. Now, "Johnson Wagner" sounds like an alias to begin with, and the mustache makes it even better. Since golf is almost always an unrelenting parade of well-kempt gentlemen, it's awesome to see someone breaking ranks. Where does Wagner's soup-strainer rank on the scale of golf's great facial hair exhibitionists?
Bacon: First, we need to get the levels of awesomeness in facial hair.
There is the Gary McCord Division, for people that don't even look normal when their face is bald.
Then we have the Geoff Ogilvy group, that shocks you with their new look, but you can't decide if it's a good or a bad look.
Finally, there is the Hunter Mahan Division, where the facial hair is so bad you're confused how he landed a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
I think Wagner lands in the group of Ogilvy, where it works, but isn't life changing. Your thoughts?
Busbee: Agreed. It's a fairly straightforward deal. Now, if he were to take it in another direction -- that old John Daly dirt-lip look, for instance, or the big sloppy Fu Manchu that Andres Gonzales rocks, then you'd have something. But Wagner is still being tentative. He needs to take it in another direction. Goatee, muttonchops, ZZ Top-style rug-beard, whatever.
New angle: which golfer most desperately needs a new look?
Bacon: That's a good question. Ben Crane could probably rock the stubble and pull it off. Rickie Fowler might grow up a little with a 5 o'clock shadow. But my biggest look change? Philbert Mickelson. That's right. Could you imagine if he changed his look? He already wears a lot of darks, but I think facial hair on Phil might get him going again. Thoughts?
Busbee: Phil needs to go totally Breaking Bad. I mean, full-on, shaved-head, Van Dyke, black porkpie hat Walter White look. (For those of you not familiar with Breaking Bad, it's the story of a mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher who becomes a meth drug lord.) (Drugs are bad, kids. Don't do drugs.) Anyway, anything Phil could do to add a little more menace to his game would be welcome.
I also think Jim Furyk should play in full Grim Reaper regalia, but we're getting a little far afield from facial hair here. Let's turn it over to you, dear commenters: which golfer most needs a serious image makeover?