Dirty Tackle - World Soccer

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. ASHLEY COLE'S NAKED PHONE PICS --YOU DON'T TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR JUNK WITH A PAY-AS-YOU-GO PHONE AND THEN GIVE IT AWAY TO SOMEONE WHO SENDS THE PICTURES TO A TOPLESS MODEL!!!!! THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T PARIS HILTON!!!!!! STOP DOING STUPID THINGS AND JUST BE THANKFUL CHERYL COLE IS MARRIED TO YOU!!!!! AND GET A MOBILE PHONE FROM 1992!!!!!! THOSE MONSTERS HAVE NO CAMERA TO TEMPT YOU WITH!!!!! PLUS THEY DO MORE DAMAGE WHEN YOU THROW THEM AT STUFF!!!!!

2. MOCKING YOUR MANAGER -- THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD KILL YOUR CHANCES OF PLAYING AGAIN FASTER WOULD BE TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AT THE START OF TRAINING EVERY DAY!!!!! TRUST ME!!!! I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE!!!!!!!

3. BODYPAINTED WAGS -- I TRIED TO BODYPAINT MYSELF ONE TIME BUT IT TURNS OUT SULFURIC ACID IS THE WRONG SUBSTANCE TO USE!!!!!! AHHHHH IT FELT LIKE BEING COVERED IN POP ROCKS!!!!! AND THEN IT STOPPED BEING FUN!!!!!!

4. CORN -- WORLD LEADERS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT CORN IS MORE LIKELY TO KILL YOU THAN A NUMBER OF POTENTIALLY DEADLY THINGS LIKE PAPER OR AIR OR CRAYONS!!!!!!! DON'T TRUST THE CORN!!!!!!!

5. VALENTINE'S DAY -- I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY SO MUCH!!!!! WHENEVER I TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR MY LADY FRIENDS ON THIS DAY LIKE TAKE THEM TO DOMINO'S FOR PIZZA AND THEN STRAIGHTEN THEIR HAIR THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING EQUALLY NICE FOR ME!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH WHY DOESN'T SOMEONE BUY ME A BOX OF KNIVES FOR VALENTINE'S DAY LIKE I WANT?!?!?!?!

6. NUTMEG GOAL -- THIS GIVES ME HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS AND COLD SWEATS!!!!!! AHHHHHH I BLAME THE CORN!!!!!! THE CORN IS WINNING!!!!!!

7.  RED CARDS FOR CURSING -- THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!!! NEXT THEY'RE GOING TO DECIDE THAT YOU CAN ALSO GET SENT OFF FOR CALLING PEOPLE "STINK FACES" AFTER YOU HEADBUTT THEM AND THEN HEADBUTT THEM AGAIN WHILE THEY'RE LYING ON THE GROUND BECAUSE YOUR OCD DEMANDS YOU DO THINGS IN PAIRS!!!!!!!!

8. CARLO ANCELOTTI'S NEW PHRASE -- I DON'T LIKE TO USE VULGAR LANGUAGE MYSELF BECAUSE PEOPLE ALWAYS GOT BENT OUT OF SHAPE WHEN I USED TO SCREAM OBSCENITIES AT SMALL CHILDREN WHILE THEY TOOK NAPS!!!!!! NAPS ARE FOR LOSERS!!!!! EVEN IF YOU'RE ONLY A TWO YEAR OLD!!!!! IT'S GROSS!!!!!!

9. MCDONALD'S -- SO SINCE I DID A COMMERCIAL FOR THE MCDONALD'S FINE DINING COMPANY BACK IN 2008 I HAVE ENJOYED THE PERK OF GETTING FREE MCDONALD'S CUISINE WHENEVER I WANT!!!!!!! THIS IS ALL FINE AND GOOD UNTIL THIS PAST WEDNESDAY WHEN I WENT INTO MY LOCAL MCDONALD'S EATERY AND ASKED THEM TO MAKE ME A SANDWICH WITH PORCUPINE MEAT IN IT AND THEY WOULDN'T DO IT!!!!!!!! I TOLD THEM THAT I DID A COMMERCIAL WITH A BUNCH OF HORRIBLE LITTLE GOOBER CHILDREN FOR THEIR COMPANY AND IF I WANT A SANDWHICH WITH PORCUPINE MEAT IN IT THEN I THINK I DESERVE THAT!!!!!!! THEN THE GIRL WORKING THERE GOES "I'M SORRY SIR BUT WE JUST CAN'T DO THAT" AND THEN I SAID "WELL I'M VERY SORRY TO HEAR THAT!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT SO SHE KNEW THAT I THOUGHT SHE WAS VERY PRETTY AND KIND OF HOPED THAT SHE WOULD BE MY VALENTINE AND BUY ME KNIVES!!!!!!! SO THEN WE JUST STARED AT EACH OTHER FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT AND RIGHT WHEN SHE STARTED TO WALK AWAY BECAUSE I WOULDN'T STOP STARING I ORDERED A BIG MAC!!!!!!!! IT DIDN'T HAVE ANY PORCUPINE MEAT IN IT BUT IT WAS STILL PRETTY GOOD!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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