March 04, 2008
Listening in on the "secret driver's channel" from last week's race ...
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Hey, Johnny.
Jimmie Johnson: For the last time, Dale, it's JIMMIE.
Dale Earnhardt Jr: Yeah, whatever. Time for you to take your dive.
Jimmie Johnson: What? Dive?
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Yep, dive. Mr. Hendrick says so. Fifteen races a year, you and Rainbow Boy gotta take one for the team and let me win.
Jimmie Johnson: You gotta be kidding me!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Johnny, there's two things I don't joke about: my racing, and the sweet, sweet kick of Amp Energy Drink. It gets you going, so...get going!
Jimmie Johnson: Oh, for heaven's ... Somebody's gonna pay for this.
[Johnson fades into the pack, not to be seen again all afternoon.]
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Okay, Mr. Hendrick, Johnny's out of the way.
Rick Hendrick (speaking via cell from his secret underground lair, stroking a white kittycat): Excellent, my boy. We've loaded Tony Stewart's car with a cooler full of beer and sanded down the tires on Kurt Busch's car. It's all coming together now.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: And we owe it all to the fine folks at-
Rick Hendrick: That's enough, son.
[Cut to late in the race, one of the final restarts. Dale Jr. is in second, with Jeff Gordon and Matt Kenseth right on his heels. And on the restart, Earnhardt spins his wheels, and Gordon and Kenseth whip around him only to collide with one another.]
Jeff Gordon: Jeepers! I'm in more trouble than that time I took an extra cookie for dessert!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Whoop whoop whoop! Nyock, nyock! Learned that move from the Three Stooges, y'all!
Matt Kenseth: This ain't over, Gordon! I shall have my revenge!
[Alas, Earnhardt loses the race, unable to catch up to Carl Edwards.]
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Mr. Hendrick! You said I was gonna win! You PROMISED!
Rick Hendrick: It's okay, my boy, it's okay. [switches over to second line] Implement Plan B.
NASCAR official beside Carl Edwards' car: Yes, sir. (Yelling to someone else) Guys! Come over here! Something doesn't look right ...
Rick Hendrick: Excellent.
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