Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — continues to try and answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Our final set: other miscellaneous events.

Archery
Gold: Brad Miller — Brad Miller likes to shoot deer and drink beer. That's the just the way it is, bud. *spits tobacco* He's a good ol' country boy, you see. Always has been, always will be. And well, good ol' country boys like Brad like to shoot things. Guns, bow and arrows, cannons ... it don't matter. If that weapon can take down a wild boar from 60-feet, well then, Brad can handle it. (Now, if he can just figure out a way to pass that pesky drug test.)
Silver: Chris Kaman | Bronze: Dikembe Mutombo

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Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — continues to try and answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: good ol' racquet events.

Tennis
Gold: Jose Calderon — Simply put, Spanish men dominate the world tennis scene. Currently holding five of the top 25 spots in the world rankings, the Spaniards are in a class by themselves. Not surprisingly, the steady Jose Calderon carries on in that tradition. While he may not have the flair of a Nadal or Moya, Jose won't beat himself. Must be something in the paella.
Silver: Thabo Sefolosha | Bronze: Sasha Vujacic ("Machine camp at baseline.")

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Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — continues to try and answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: water events.

Swimming, 100m Freestyle
Gold: Tim Duncan — One of the few interesting things about Tim Duncan is that he was supposedly a competitive swimmer before being forced to become one of the greatest basketball players ever. Timmy's dedication to technique, coupled with his enormous extremities, would allow him to easily take home the gold. However, he could cut some valuable milliseconds off his time if he'd shave that ragged beard.
Silver: Gilbert Arenas (see: pool) | Bronze: James Jones (see: this)

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Trey and I knew we'd miss a few key names in our All-NBA Olympics series, but this was a particular oversight. Ball Don't Lie reader "indeedproceed" points us to this HoopsHype post, penned by part-time NBA'er Gabe Muoneke, which makes a strong case for Spurs forward Ime Udoka to win our hypothetical boxing gold. Behold:

THE IME UDOKA STORY

... When the National [Nigerian] Team went to Algeria for the African Championships in Algiers, every team was on edge because the Top 3 squads got the invite to the World Championships. So after we lost to Angola in the semis and had to play Algeria for the third spot, they knew, we knew, everyone knew they had no shot. First quarter… Tactics. African ball, man. Trust me: as corrupt as can be.

Despite all the cheating from the three-man (North African) refereeing crew they just couldn’t beat us. So the coach sent in their best player, who was injured but came in with a purpose. I think his name was Ali Bidane or something. We had the ball out of bounce under. He guarded me. As the ref handed us the ball, he turned, looked at me as if there was not a game going on. And pop! Not an elbow, not even a signature yours truly gutter. He decked me right in the jaw. I couldn’t believe it. And come on. I freely admit when I throw cheap shots. I wouldn’t hide it if I started to. I mean, I’m in the middle of basically Middle Eastern country playing the local team. I know better (read on to see my contradiction). He nailed me, we turned it over, and yes, my Rodman 101 class did well. I looked up court, saw both refs back and calmly asked him in by most polite French, "Pardon me sir, I object to you striking me." Next thing you know… Both teams on the court going at it. Wow [...]

Continued, after the jump.

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Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — continues to try and answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: a few more track and field events.

Long Jump
Gold: Josh Smith — The long jump competition is tainted by scandal. James White (mute that) isn't eligible. Brent Barry can't find his old Clippers jacket. And Vince Carter is too busy training for the equestrian competition. Thankfully, J-Smoove and his Jimmy Buffet-smoove free throw line dunk from the '05 contest gives us a winner.
Silver: Gerald Wallace | Bronze: Mike Conley, Jr. (He got it from his father!)

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Over the next two days, Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — will attempt to answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: combat events. Fight!

Boxing
Gold: Ben Wallace — There's no conceivable way Big Ben would lose an Olympic boxing match to another NBA player. Most importantly, he has those granite hands. They might not be ideal for catching a basketball, but they're fantastic for breaking jaws. Not to mention all the extra padding he'll have once his hair gets shoved in his headgear.
Silver: Jerry Stackhouse (He's loco.) | Bronze: Kwame Brown / Stephen Jackson

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Over the next two days, Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — will attempt to answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: gymnastics.

Pommel Horse
Gold: Corey Maggette — The pommel horse is considered one of the most difficult men's events because it requires an incredible amount of upper body strength. Translation: you better own two VIP backstage passes to the gun show. Maggette does; he's a roadie. Bonus: Mags looks like he'd be able to swing his legs with some fluidity and grace.
Silver: Kelenna Azubuike | Bronze: Maurice Evans

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Over the next two days, Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — will attempt to answer one of life's (and Dime's) greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? First up: track and field.

100m Dash
Gold: TJ Ford — This would be one hell of a race with Barbosa, Parker, Monta, etc., but Ford is so fast the sound barrier cracks a little bit just thinking about him. He's so fast, Vin Diesel made a movie about him. He's so fast, Vin Diesel made ANOTHER movie about him. At one time voted the NBA's fastest player, Ford occasionally outruns his dribble. Of course, he's even faster without the ball. Barring Al Horford defending the finish line, TJ takes the 100m gold back to Cana— err, Indiana.
Silver: Leandro Barbosa | Bronze: Tony Parker

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