August 08, 2008
Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — continues to try and answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: water events.
Swimming, 100m Freestyle
Gold: Tim Duncan — One of the few interesting things about Tim Duncan is that he was supposedly a competitive swimmer before being forced to become one of the greatest basketball players ever. Timmy's dedication to technique, coupled with his enormous extremities, would allow him to easily take home the gold. However, he could cut some valuable milliseconds off his time if he'd shave that ragged beard.
Silver: Gilbert Arenas (see: pool) | Bronze: James Jones (see: this)
Gold: Earl Boykins (ITA) — Yes, yes, technically, Boykins isn't in the NBA anymore, signing a one-year deal to play with European club Vitus Bologna earlier this week. But that's OK; we'll just get to hear the Italian national anthem. At 5'5", with very short limbs, Boykins can easily get into a small somersault and spin fast. That, and his strength-to-body weight ratio is off the charts. No splashies!
Silver: Brevin Knight | Bronze:
Chris Quinn Manu Ginobili
Synchronized Swimming, Duet
Gold: Carl Landry and Luis Scola — Synchronicity and symmetry are so important in synchronized swimming that some duets have taken things to the GENETIC EXTREME. Take, for example, 1992, when both the American gold medal winners and the Canadian silver medal winners were identical twins. So, why in this case, a pair of Rocket teammates over NBA twins? Because *sniff* Carl and Luis complete each other, man. They just do.
Silver: Brook and Robin Lopez | Bronze: Jarron and Jason Collins
Rowing, Men's Eight (NBA teams)
Gold: The Spurs — No matter how you group them (quad skulls, eight, coxless pair — seriously, these are the event names) the Spurs' commitment to the team concept gives them a huge advantage in whatever rowing competition they've entered. Furthermore, all their senior citizens have perfected their catch, drive, and finish at the local country club. They've got to finish fast if they want to make it to early bird dinner.
Silver: The Celtics | Bronze: The Pistons
Previous All-NBA Olympics:
Ballers who would medal in track and field, part I
Ballers who would medal in gymnastics
Ballers who would medal in combat events
Ballers who would medal in track and field, part II
Later today: Ballers who would medal in racquet events.