Thu Aug 07 01:10pm EDT
Over the next two days, Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — will attempt to answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: gymnastics.
Gold: Corey Maggette — The pommel horse is considered one of the most difficult men's events because it requires an incredible amount of upper body strength. Translation: you better own two VIP backstage passes to the gun show. Maggette does; he's a roadie. Bonus: Mags looks like he'd be able to swing his legs with some fluidity and grace.
Silver: Kelenna Azubuike | Bronze: Maurice Evans
Gold: Matt Harpring — To be a world class gymnast one must possess strength, balance, stamina, versatility, and above all else, a willingness to look silly. Fortunately, those exact same qualities are required of a backup swingmen in Jerry Sloan's Jazz system. Harpring's workout is the stuff of legend, and his surprising agility will come in handy as he frolics to-and-fro around the mat. Plus, he kinda looks like Paul Hamm.
Silver: Dwyane Wade | Bronze: Ramon Sessions
Gold: Kobe Bryant — Urban legends suggest that male gymnasts do not compete on the balance beam because of the potential of injury to the testicles. The Mamba says, "I have flexibility, balance, control and elegance. I'll just wear a cup, thanks."
Silver: Chris Paul | Bronze: Ray Allen
Gold: Dwight Howard — Rings are described as "an artistic gymnastics apparatus," and it's participants display strength, creativity, control, and explosiveness all in quick succession. That's not terribly different from the dunk contest. Dwight's frightening upper body surely will allow him to perform the famed Iron Cross, a maneuver that would leave nearly all of us armless.
Silver: Theo Ratliff | Bronze: Joey Dorsey
Previous All-NBA Olympics:
Ballers who would medal in track and field
Later today: Ballers who would medal in combat events.