December 23, 2011
It's been a very good week for Seattle Seahawks defensive end Red Bryant. Last Sunday, he had a pick-six against the Chicago Bears in his team's Soldier Field demolition of Caleb Hanie. And on Wednesday evening, Bryant (all 6-foot-4 and at least 323 pounds of him) and wife Janelle welcomed their first child into the world. Joseph Brooks Bryant was happy and healthy, but Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll took the opportunity to spread erroneous medical information via his Twitter account.
Understandable — that weight above is how Big Red is listed, but we think the NFL is counting him a few buffets short. This report caused the Twitterverse to explode with speculated Festivus-style Feats of Strength for Red's progeny that made the combined efforts of Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Vin Diesel seem rather wimpy in comparison.
A century from now, the birth of Red Bryant's son will be noted as the day the superhuman race started.
He's already blocked 2 field goals.
Red Bryant's baby tackled the pediatrics nurse. For a five yard loss.
Rivals.com and Scout.com both have Red Bryant's baby listed as a 5-Star player and the #1 rated DT prospect in the USA.
How does Red Bryant's 17-pound baby not already have a Twitter? Someone get on that. He can already get liquor in Canada, I hear.
Matt Barkley is staying at USC because it gives him an extra year to watch game tape of Red Bryant's baby without getting killed.
Red Bryant's baby came out of the womb with a perfect zone blitz diagram.
Austin Pettis got busted for PEDs because he was afraid of what Red Bryant's baby would do to him.
When Red Bryant's baby came out it blocked the placenta and sacked the doctor.
Completely Legit Seahawks Playoff Scenario: Seahawks win out and [Seahawks GM] John Schneider recruits Red Bryant's baby.
Red Bryant's baby emerged from the womb, sacked the doctor, and demanded a steak.
Eventually, Carroll gave it up and revealed the truth.
"Yeah, I found out it wasn't a 17-pound boy like we had originally heard," Carroll told the media after Thursday practice. "It was a six-and-a-half [pound] or something. We were a little bit off on our initial report. We were all picturing like a 2-year-old was born."
"He's just the same size I was when I was a baby," Bryant said on Thursday. "My mom said that I actually doubled my weight in two weeks. I'm assuming he'll do the same, but he's the exact build and everything."
Of course, the Bryant baby has football in his genes from both sides of the family — Red's father-in-law is Jacob Green, the former NFL defensive end who terrorized enemy quarterbacks for the Seahawks from 1980 through 1991. Both players went to Texas A&M, which is where Baby Bryant's parents met, as well. "Oh, no doubt — I'd be surprised if he's not athletic. Then again, he might want to be into the books — be like Bill Gates or Paul Allen. We're not going to push him one way or the other … we just thank God he's here.
"Oh, yeah — coach Carroll told me that he got a lot of responses over that," Bryant said of the Twitter hoax. "I thought, 'Oh my God!' but he said that he went back in there and told everybody that he weighed just six pounds. Everyone was like, 'OK, that sounds pretty good.'
"You know coach Carroll — he's got jokes. A lot of people thought [the baby] was going to be humongous. But I knew he was going to be an average baby, and I also know he's going to grow to be a big, strong man."
Like grandfather, like father, like son? If that's the case, the future quarterbacks of America had better watch out.
H/T: Liz Mathews of 710ESPN Seattle
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