Fri May 22 03:14pm EDT
Every Friday on Shutdown Corner, I'll be selecting one individual who, over the past seven days, I feel has earned the distinctly unappealing task of hand-scrubbing Gilbert Brown's jock strap. This week's nominees are:
Aqib Talib(notes). Practice fights aren't a big deal. But swinging a football helmet at a man -- be it at an NFL practice, or in some filthy bar fight -- is messed up. Tempers flare when you're hitting the same guys every day. I get that. But if you can't control yourself to the point where you can stop from swinging a helmet, you may have some problems.
The Ben Roethlisberger(notes) impersonator. There's a very lonely man out there who took it upon himself this week to impersonate Ben Roethlisberger on the internet and tell the world he had skin cancer. For the life of me, I can't figure out what a guy would gain from that. The guy who was previously the most famous Ben Roethlisberger impersonator, twisted as he was, at least used the scam to get himself some action. Trying to convince the world that Ben Roethlisberger is ill? I don't get where that would be fun.
James Harrison(notes). It's been well-covered here by Chase at Shutdown Corner, but I haven't had a chance yet to give my two cents. I personally don't care if James Harrison wants to visit the White House or loves or hates the President, but I absolutely love the arrogance involved with the original excuse.
"This is how I feel -- if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he [Obama] would've invited Arizona if they had won."
I do see a certain amount of logic in that. If you were broke, and a woman wouldn't go out with you, how would you respond if that same woman was all over you after you won the lottery? Not favorably, right? It's the same principle here. James Harrison wants to be invited to the White House just because he's James Harrison. How dare you wait, President Obama, before he's achieved some notoriety first?
The old lady who "positively" ID'd Corey McIntyre(notes). A 59-year-old woman said she was "positive" that it was Corey McIntyre who she saw pleasuring himself outside of her window. McIntyre's denied it was him all along, and even though charges have not been dropped, McIntyre did pass a polygraph test in which he maintained his innocence. Even the officer on the scene noted that McIntyre looked different and was wearing different clothing than the woman originally described. Evidence seems to be overwhelmingly in McIntyre's favor here, even though the disturbing allegation will probably follow him around anyway.
And the winner is ...
The Ben Roethlisberger impersonator! And it's a very impressive win in a strong field of candidates this week. It can't be Harrison, because there's no victim involved. Talib's mistake was a spur-of-the-second emotional decision, and I don't know what to think about the old lady. If she had just seen a man engaging in self-love outside of her house, some confusion could be forgiven, and since there's no real resolution yet, maybe she should still get the benefit of the doubt.
That leaves the Roethlisberger guy, who had to put some thought and effort into his evil and remarkably dumb little plan. Congratulations, buddy. Happy scrubbing.
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