In the yummiest Tumblr post you'll read this July 4, Timothy Malcolm combined America's two greatest assets — baseball and ice cream — to form something even greater.
Malcolm, a big baseball fan along with being an editor for a newspaper in Orange County, New York, apparently experienced an epiphany while recently enjoying some chocolate marshmallow at an area ice cream stand.
I realized, "I could compare every baseball team to an ice cream flavor!"
Well, of course he could. So, as anybody who comes up with a great idea would do, Malcolm spent all of Sunday night linking each Major League Baseball team and a flavor of ice cream.
His choices range from spot-on, to OK, to "I can't believe he actually came up with an ice cream for the Diamondbacks." But he did.
One of his best was comparing the Oakland Athletics, with their forward-thinking Billy Beane as GM, to Dippin' Dots — the so-called Ice Cream of the Future:
See, years ago, we were told Dippin' Dots was "The Ice Cream of the Future!" And it certainly looked cool and different and crazy. And for a while, it seemed correct — this really was "The Ice Cream of the Future!" But the years wear on, and you find yourself wondering if a team led by Coco Crisp(notes) and Conor Jackson(notes) can really win a division. And Dippin' Dots just kind of hangs out, stuck in some concrete mess of a mall that will never, ever be renovated or torn down. And you forget the rich history that ice cream had before Dippin' Dots came along. Instead, you just sulk in that disgusting mess of a mall, rooting for "The Future!"
He casts the New York Yankees as Vanilla and the Red Sox as chocolate — which might seem obvious, but it's also appropriate:
On the first day, God created Vanilla.
Okay, not exactly, but Vanilla is and has been America's most popular ice cream flavor. The Yankees are and have been America's most popular baseball team. It's clean, it's tradition, it's even kind of predictable. But it's always great, and always there at the end of the day. Damn Yankees.
[...] In the same vein, the Red Sox provide a more cozy counterpoint to the Yankees. And people will fight to the teeth defending one or the other (ice creams and teams). However, too much Chocolate will turn your stomach and, well, you know what people think of the Red Sox after a couple great years …
That's pretty much how people think of the Yankees and Red Sox, isn't it?
Malcolm picking the Cubs as Neapolitan — a flavor that supposedly has something for everyone but nobody ever buys — is also an inspired choice. (I might have made the San Francisco Giants into Phish Food, however.)
And there's 25 more flavors where those came from. So, the next time you visit your local ice cream parlor and get two scoops of whatever, consider which major league team you might be licking.