I Got Hit On by a Woman and All It Did Was Make Me Hate Men 😇

I got hit on by a woman and all it did was make me hate men. Well, not hate men, but it did shed light on some, uh, major areas of improvement in their flirting habits. Let me explain.

At age 29, I'm basically a geriatric TikTok user. Yet, somehow, I was the recipient of a flirty DM from a woman on TikTok. "How can I get on your to-do list?" she wrote. “Panic” and “trauma response” are the only terms that can properly describe what happened to me in that moment. As a straight, cis, feminine-presenting woman, I've been experiencing flirty advances from men since the dawn of time. Therefore, I've also experienced their wildly aggressive reactions to rejection. From Big Baby Energy to straight-up rage, saying "no thx" isn't exactly my favorite pastime. (Is it anyone's?) So, there I was with this flirty DM burning a hole in my pocket.

I'm also in a relationship, so either way, I knew I was going to have to reject this person. But having grown accustomed to being met with hostility and aggression from the rejected party, I was terrified about where this conversation would lead, so I responded with "?". In seconds, she wrote back, "did I stutter?" I respected her boldness, but it didn't exactly help my stress-induced spiral. I knew there was no more dancing around it.

"That's very sweet, but I'm both straight and in a relationship," I wrote. My hands were clamming up as I saw she was typing. "Oh! My b. All the best to you," she responded. And that was…it. My jaw was on the floor. Rejection met with friendliness? What a concept. And, even better, the interaction ended there. I was shocked.

So then I did what any young millennial (yeah, that's a brag) would do in this situation: I took to social media and posted a TikTok about the experience. Imagine my (continued!) surprise when the comments section erupted with messages from women who related and men who—you guessed it—couldn't contain their rage.

From this, two epiphanies. First: In the year of our lord 2022, men still have some, um, personal work to do. And second: No one (and I mean, not even men with Jack Harlow-levels of confidence) understands how to hit on women better than women. Damn.

You might have seen the recent Psychology Today piece that dug into this more. According to Greg Matos, PsyD, ABPP, a board-certified couples and family psychologist, the number of, well, lonely, single men is on the rise due to their "relationship skills gap." (Ouch.) It all comes down to poor communication skills and lack of emotional connection. (Ouch again.) Women’s standards are apparently getting higher too, which isn’t doing them any favors. (Not sorry, not even a little bit.) Matos cites that the majority of dating app users (over 62 percent) are men, and "with so many options, it's not surprising that women are increasingly selective."

Naturally, this study seriously resonated with, er, lots of people and quickly went viral, sparking reactions that validated this info through lived experiences. The way I see it, men are faced with a choice: Step up or step aside. Mature communication skills aren’t just nice-to-have anymore. They’re non-negotiable.

So in the spirit of gonzo journalism, I ran right back to TikTok to ask both women who date women, and women who have dated both men and women, to share their experiences. It's called anthropology, folks, look it up! Dudes who read Cosmo, you might want to bookmark this one...

1. "We do not want to be hit on by you at the gas station, the grocery store, or really any other public place that's not designed for flirtation such as a bar or club. The mistake most men make is by approaching us when we’re just alone, going about our daily lives shopping or running errands. For me personally, that's when I want to be hit on the least. The way that most men flirt is often aggressive and intimidating in a lot of these types of situations. We’re scared of men we don't know because they pose the biggest safety threat, especially when we’re by ourselves. If you really want to flirt with a woman and it is an appropriate setting to do so, just be kind and be respectful."—Maria

2. "When women hit on women, consent is pretty much always an ongoing part of the conversation. Queer women have hit on me by flirtatiously saying, 'Can I hit on you in a gay way?' with a cute smile. Or after a good flirty conversation, saying something like, ‘You're such a babe, I'd love to kiss you. Are you down with that? No pressure!’ They constantly create space for me to say no without fear if I'm uncomfortable. And because I feel safe, and our sexual interaction is an ongoing conversation, I'm actually way more open to trying things in bed that I wouldn't usually. Because I know that there is no fear or a lack of safety if at any point I want to stop."—Dee*
   

3. "I wish men knew how to be rejected. The first time I rejected a woman she just said, ‘Thanks for telling me how you feel and being direct,’ and I was fully gobsmacked. We had slept together and I told her I didn't want to do it again, expecting her to counter with begging, pleading, anger, bargaining, name-calling, etc. She didn't grovel, she didn't gaslight, she understood ‘no’ the first time. Women and non-binary people generally handle rejection so much better than men—by talking to someone about it and working through their feelings, not lashing out. Now, as a single person, when I hit on people and get rejected, I find it useful. I don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't into me and I don't understand why men think they can change someone's mind."—Kip Mac*
   

4. "The guys I know who get the most girls aren't tall or ripped or rich. They’re just funny and genuinely interested in what women have to say. They never blatantly hit on women, which makes them much more approachable. If you can make a girl laugh and make her feel like she can be vulnerable without making it about sex, she'll probably be more drawn to you. Actually care about what women have to say and have no expectations that it will progress to something sexual."—Dani
   

5. "When I began dating women (and non-men), I quickly realized that in many scenarios I would have to be the one initiating my interest. I've had to fight the internalized feeling of coming across as a 'creepy dude' because of all the times unsolicited advances have happened to me. But something a few wise Queer folks have said to me is that the creepiness doesn't come from initiating interest/flirting, it comes when a woman has said no and you continue to push for a yes, disrespecting her answer. Moral of the story: Respect the person's no. I wish more (cis-gender) men would practice this."—Willa*
   

6. "Fellas, as a lesbian I cannot stress to you enough that when you see a woman you're interested in, please show genuine appreciation for her. Try not to think about her as a sexual conquest but, instead, a multi-faceted person with desires too. If she's not interested, move on. Your sense of self worth does not have to be determined by whether or not someone wants to date you."—Cyd

7. "As a woman who ended up marrying another woman who actually had been married to a man for 18 years prior to being with me, the biggest thing I've learned about asking another woman out is that generally, when they're not interested, it has nothing to do with you. Most of the time, the reason they're saying no is more about them than is about you, so instead of reacting negatively, just being respectful is always the right answer. Plus, why would you want to make someone feel bad?" —Michelle

8. "When you approach a woman, remember to not think of it as a transaction. You're not 'earning' something through being nice or offering her your attention. You're not guaranteed anything back. It's not about what you can get from someone, but what you can offer them. Show up as the gift, not the collector."—Emily

9. "There is no real secret to why women are better at dating women. It all comes back to one very simple truth—women respect, value and like other women, and we don't belittle other women for simply...being women. It's the lack of misogyny and objectification that sets those interactions and relationships apart."—Loz*

10. "I think the key thing is to genuinely appreciate women. Not just for their physical beauty, but their style, their energy, etc. Women have so much to offer and complimenting them in a way that shows you actually care goes a long way. Another key thing is to not expect anything in return for your compliment (not even a thank you) and to know not to overstay your welcome. If someone's not responding, respect that."—Molly
    

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