I tried to drink as much coffee as Lorelai Gilmore
In many respects, Lorelai Gilmore is a role model — she owns her own business, she’s a great mom and she can rattle off more pop culture references than potentially the entire internet.
Her disturbing coffee habit, however, is another story.
But what if Lorelai’s second life as a caffeine funnel was not cause for concern, but in fact the secret to her success? What if the key to activating her sage advice and boundless wit truly was... coffee?
As an uncool person, I drink only one small cup of coffee per day. But if I drank coffee like Lorelai, would I be cool like Lorelai? I decided to find out: where Lorelai led, I would follow.
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In the Gilmore Girls pilot, Lorelai drinks the equivalent of around 11 cups of coffee over a period of 2 days. I did the same. It sucked. Here's what happened.
Day 1, 7:49 a.m.
Lorelai goes to Luke's Diner literally every day for coffee, which I guess I would do too if it was free and I was in love with Luke. Unfortunately, I do not have access to a Luke's Diner, but I do have access to a coffee maker and a hat, which I decide to wear backwards like Luke does (cool of me!). I drink two small cups, which I surmise equals one of Luke's giant, face-sized mugs.
It is good and normal to drink coffee in the morning. I feel great.
Image: warner bros. pictures
Day 1, 9:40 a.m.
Lorelai's version of "liquid courage" is chugging some coffee before she asks her parents for a loan. I do not plan to ask any of my co-workers for Chilton tuition money, but I drink another cup of coffee before a meeting anyway.
Lots of people drink three cups of coffee in the morning, so everything is fine. I am blinking more than usual — efficient!
Image: warner bros. pictures
Day 1, 9:56 a.m.
Lorelai also accepts coffee from Emily about fifteen seconds after she enters the house. It is unclear where her old coffee went.
It is, however, extremely clear where my old coffee went — straight to my left eyelid, which is now twitching.
I say "coffee" three times in a row, just like Lorelai does. Shortly after, I decide never to do that again.
Image: warner bros. pictures
Day 1, 8:14 p.m.
Lorelai loves to drink coffee at dinner, which I have never done in my life. Personally, I do not think coffee tastes good with a burrito, but that is just my opinion. Rory does seem to enjoy coffee with chili cheese fries — perhaps chili cheese fries are the missing link here.
Anyway, I am unable to fall asleep until 1:30 a.m. because I am looking at all the different types of cardstock available on the internet. For 12 hours, I have not listened to a song without tapping my foot.
Image: warner bros. pictures
Day 2, 8:07 a.m.
The last quarter of the pilot episode takes place the following day at Richard and Emily Gilmore's house, where Lorelai and Rory experience their first Friday Night Dinner (FND). However, I assume Lorelai, who is addicted to coffee, has had at least two cups of it before dinnertime — one at Luke's and one at the inn.
I drink accordingly. I am very upset.
Day 2, 6:03 p.m.
After a fun day of not drinking coffee from 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., I can ignore Lorelai's orders no longer. She drinks a large to-go cup on her way to dinner, so I do the same, holding my coffee on the subway for maximum plot accuracy.
No one asks me if my cup is a "collector's cup," but I am not at Emily Gilmore's house, so I understand.
I have a hunch that my eyes look like diseased supermoons.
Image: warner bros. pictures
Day 2, 6:35 p.m.
Lorelai continues to ruin my life on purpose by drinking coffee at night. My stomach is so full. How do people drink a lot of coffee and also eat food and drink water? Does anyone do this?
Image: warner bros. pictures
Day 2, 8:00 p.m.
After a long day of drinking coffee, arguing with her parents and making me personally miserable, Lorelai retreats to Luke's for her last, late-night "vat" of coffee. I retreat to my kitchen with the intention of making myself one, too, but instead eat one tortilla chip and lie down on my couch. I cannot do it anymore. I am not strong enough.
And so my journey ends.
Image: warner bros. pictures
The more devoted coffee-drinkers among us will likely be unimpressed with my efforts. After all, a lot of people drink a lot of coffee — and honestly, it might not even be that bad for you.
But if this misguided experiment taught me anything, it's that Lorelai Gilmore's secret to being Lorelai Gilmore is more complicated than a big mug of caffeine juice. You've got to have resilience, drive, a real fighting spirit — that's what being Lorelai Gilmore is really about.
And, of course, it probably helps to be a television character. Those cups on set are empty, y'all.
Gilmore Girls: A Day in the Life starts streaming on Netflix November 25.
