So, You're Considering Sleeping With a Friend—Read This First
Friendships add so much spark to our lives–helping us find humor and possibility in spells of misfortune, and cheering us on in stretches of celebration and transition. We swap stories over meals, and fill moments in time with laughter and like-mindedness–adding to the family we may or may not have. So what happens when you find yourself attracted to one of your confidantes. Will having sex with your friend ruin the relationship you built?
Some might say that casual lovemaking with someone familiar provides a safe sexual outlet, while granting both parties the ability to live freely and unattached. There is no pressure to roll out the red carpet for romantic gestures, and you’re off the hook when it comes to explaining your plans or whereabouts. And while it might happen that the two friends lean into each other for an impromptu New Year’s kiss, the expectation to do so isn’t there—or is it?
If you’re flirting with the idea of crawling into bed with one of your buds, read on. We linked up with a few experts to disassemble the myriad of risks that lurk behind the smokescreen of the elusive friends with benefits dynamic, as well as some friendly rules to play by. But be warned: your no-strings-attached agreement may create more baggage than you think…
Before you consider having sex with a friend, let’s examine the difference between platonic and romantic relationships.
Dr. Jenn Mann, psychotherapist, host of VH1’s Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn, and author of The Relationship Fix, affirms that there is already tremendous overlap between the two types of relationships, which is part of why “friends with benefits” entanglements are often breeding grounds for confusion. Because the lines can so easily get blurred, and this invites the possibility of two individuals seeing the same situation in a staunchly different light.
“In order to have a great friendship, there must be a strong connection. And the same applies for having a great romantic relationship. Both dynamics involve checking in on each other, showing up for each other, and getting to know deeper parts of one another. The main difference between the two is romantic and sexual interaction, which is why ‘friends with benefits’ situations can be confusing for at least one of the parties involved, and why, in most cases, it tends to work out for only about five minutes,” says Dr. Mann.
… so if your relationship is platonic, but you start tossing orgasms into the mix, what will that look like?
If a “friends with benefits” situation exists in-between friendship and the realm of romance, what is it exactly? What is specifically going on–when you see each other naked and you have an established companionship, yet you’re not going to buy each other flowers on Valentine’s Day, and you’re definitely not going to be dripping with sappy sentiments on social media? You’re just two friends who enjoy hanging out and occasionally wake up in the same bed. Right?
Rhonda Richards-Smith, psychotherapist and relationship expert, says it’s not that simple because there can be a multitude of things playing out behind the scenes of a seemingly harmless romp. “One thing I see most often is that one person within the relationship truly sees it as only physical pleasure, and it feels easy for them, because they can separate the sex from the friendship. But, while the other party will agree to that arrangement, they are secretly hoping it will progress into a romance,” she says.
When this dynamic is stretched out over time, resentment often builds. And it can morph into a vast range of conflicting shapes–potentially becoming insurmountable.
Know that inviting sexual intimacy into your friendship might ruin it.
Because sex isn’t as simple as a game of tennis. Someone almost always gets emotionally embroiled.
Dr. Venus Nicolino MA, PhD, clinical psychologist, host of WeTV’s Marriage Bootcamp and author of Bad Advice, (aka Dr. V), advises that, before you think about slipping off your clothes, it may be wise to slip into a corner, alone, and ask yourself: “Is having sex with my friend worth the potential risk of losing the friendship?”
We reveal different angles of ourselves in different relational dynamics, and if you toss sex into a platonic situation, it could challenge how you perceive a person, as well as how they perceive you. For example, let’s say your friendship has always been cool and easy–chatting over beers or meeting up for spontaneous sushi outings. Perhaps this person is someone you've relied on to help you navigate romantic endeavors, as well as them for you. But when you welcome sex into an atmosphere that has never known sex before? It threatens to alter the relationship’s climate forevermore–sometimes even summoning a windstorm of awkwardness.
“If the sex with your friend is bad and you find that you’re completely incompatible that way, you risk the possibility of being repulsed by something you saw, smelled or heard, never being able to see them in the same positive way again,” says Dr. V.
The flow of their bedtime rhetoric or the sight of their sex face could unhinge you. Then, maybe you’ll never again be able to sit across from them at a table, sipping a beer and sharing a spread of tuna and eel, without having discomforting flashbacks. Perhaps your friendly rendezvous will present you with a front row seat to habits you were better off never knowing about—revealing a nervous tic or a whiff of morning breath that threatens to interfere with the way you have long relished their snarky political banter, engaging chats and timely punchlines. Your feelings of being turned off may then overshadow all of the things about your friend that once delighted you.
Your body’s reactions may take on a life of their own, causing you to no longer see the friend in the same platonic way ever again.
But If the sex is good, Dr. V warns that it may incite a swarm of hormones that leave you feeling dizzy with desire and trapped in a stupor of longing, because your brain will begin to fire differently every time you two lock eyes. “If you enjoyed the sex, your body is going to be releasing all kinds of powerful chemicals. So when you spend time with them going forward, your body’s reactions may take on a life of their own, causing you to no longer see the friend you know and appreciate in the same platonic way ever again,” she says.
And what happens when one of you finds a romantic partner?
When you spot your sexy cohort locking lips with someone else, how will you feel?
Mann says it could sting–potentially even toying with your sense of self. She advises that one of the more common risks with this type of situation is that one of the parties will meet someone they want to be serious with, which is ultimately what ends the benefits—and sometimes the friendship as well. She says one of two scenarios almost always unfolds. And it inevitably involves some element of rejection.
“It often happens that one person says to the other, ‘Hey, we have this amazing friendship and this crazy sexual connection, so why aren’t we together?’ But then it isn’t reciprocated. The other person may meet someone else and want to put all of their eggs in one basket—the friendship, the sex, and the commitment. This can be incredibly hurtful because it may cause the person to wonder why they weren't worthy of the same level of attention. Someone almost always ends up feeling rejected in some way,” says Dr. Mann.
Richards-Smith agrees, adding, "When the sex is great and the friendship seems unaffected, it’s easy to think you have a perfect arrangement. But when your partner decides to enter into a romantic relationship with someone else, and they end the physical part of your relationship, it’s not uncommon to begin to ask yourself questions like, ‘Why can’t they see that I’m a good match for them? Why am I not worthy of being kissed in public and taken out to dinner?’” she says.
If you’re determined to start hooking up with your friend, consider making some rules.
Before you let the idea of friends with benefits seduce you, you may want to become acquainted with a few criteria. Just like any relationship—committed or not, casual or not—this arrangement requires awareness of your expectations. And the door must always be left ajar for honesty about them.
Richards-Smith says your first move should be to conduct some self-reflection. “Before you tell your friend that you are interested in having casual sex with them, or before you agree to their offer to do so, determine whether or not you have hidden feelings for them. Because if you’re secretly hoping for more, and they don’t feel the same, you could potentially set yourself up for a world of disappointment,” she says.
First, determine if you actually have hidden feelings for them. If you're secretly hoping for more, you could set yourself up for disappointment.
Dr. V agrees that self-reflection is essential, adding that it should reach beyond an assessment of your feelings for the person at hand, however. She advises that you sink deeply into your core desires and values surrounding sex–being transparent with yourself about what does and does not align with you. “A lot of times, when we want something, we are tempted to bend our boundaries in order to get it. We may even trick ourselves. In this situation, you could be a person who views sex as a sacred act, yet you may be pretending to be a person who can go into a casual sexual dynamic with few emotional risks, as some people can,” says Dr. V.
And it shouldn’t stop at that. “You’ve got to be willing to not only listen to yourself, but also respectfully listen and learn about how your partner feels about it. Because a single act may be two completely different experiences for the two of you,” says Dr. V.
Another important rule is to create a game plan for identifying your unique signals–ones that alert you to the blossoming of romantic feelings. This involves becoming well-acquainted with your own habits and cues–by assessing your relationship history. “You may be in a situation where you don’t feel like you’re at risk of developing an attachment to the friend you’re having sex with, but you need to be aware of what happens if and when you do,” says Richards-Smith.
Do you get butterflies in your stomach when you’re falling for someone? Does your skin get hot? Do you find yourself compulsively checking your phone for notifications or battling with the urge to text? These are all eminent cues for decoding your early relationship patterns. “Don’t wait until feelings have grabbed a hold of you. It’s best to have a plan ahead of time so that, if you get emotionally involved, you’re going to move forward in a way that is responsible and rational. Maybe it means you’ll tell your partner that it’s time to end the sex for good, or maybe it means you’ll take a breather from that person altogether,” says Richards-Smith.
When it comes to friends with benefits, one risk poses the highest danger of all.
In the event that your sexy arrangement goes awry, and the closeness of the friendship dissolves, you may have to prepare for the awkwardness of seeing them at the same summer barbecue every year–particularly if you run in the same circle. But the possibility of those awkward scenarios pales in comparison to the ultimate risk of all.
Dr V believes that, while friendly sex without romance or commitment may work in rare occasions, it can also lock you into a state of limbo–causing you to be imprisoned by a shadow of the real thing. Because our bodies are not just wired for pleasure, but also connection. And ongoing casual sex can create the illusion that your needs are being met–until you discover that they aren’t at all.
“If your true desire is to find something meaningful and lasting, but you’re having regular sex with a friend in order to get your physical needs met, you could be preventing your true desire from coming to you,” says Dr. V. “Your ongoing ‘friends with benefits’ situation could be blocking the doorway for a legitimate romantic partner to come in–one who is willing to fulfill all of your needs.”
Because, if love is what you’re after, you’re worth investing your time in someone who wants every part of you–the friendship, the sex, and yes, even the sappy romantic gestures.
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