Welcome to Touchdown Wire’s New York Jets Postgame Story Generator!

Doug Farrar
·3 min read

Imagine you’re covering an NFL team for a living. Travel, press box food, talking to players and coaches, no dress code or commute when you work from home, and your friends envy you. Pretty spiffy, right?

Now, imagine you’re covering an impossibly awful team that has virtually no hope of winning in any week. Not that you take the losses on yourself, but when you’re getting the same excuses from coaches, and the same frustrations from players week after week after interminable week, it can get a little mind-numbing. After all, there are only so many ways to say and write, “These guys really stink, and the sooner the coaches are fired and half the players are let go, the better off everyone will be.”

Especially, if as in the case of the New York Jets, ownership seems unusually confident in head coach/offensive “genius” Adam Gase and defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. In that case, what can one constructively do? In an era where offenses are more efficient and explosive than ever before, here are the Jets, allowing the Dolphins to pitch the first shutout of the 2020 season to the tune of a 24-0 embarrassment.

Here at Touchdown Wire, we’d like to help our beleaguered colleagues who are stuck covering Gang Green on a no-matter-what basis. Here, for your perusal, is Touchdown Wire’s New York Jets Postgame Story Generator! Feel free to use it as a template to mail in that postgame story just as Gase and Williams mail in their coaching efforts!

[insert picture of Adam Gase and/or Gregg Williams looking stern on the sideline with miserable players around and behind them]

In their Week [insert week number] [loss by at least 20 points in which they never had the hope of a lead], the Jets proved [synonym for ‘horrendous’] once again. Backup quarterback [name of NFL quarterback who hasn’t had a good season since before Colin Kaepernick was blacklisted] couldn’t do much following the [latest injury to Sam Darnold, who was crushed for anywhere from 10 to 17 sacks in a blowout loss]. And the team clearly missed [veteran overpaid player who was released after expressing disgruntlement and leaves at least $10 million in dead cap on the books].

The primary issues seemed to be the dismal performances of [offensive player who will go to the Pro Bowl after he’s freed from Adam Gase] and [defensive player who will go to the Pro Bowl after he’s freed from Gregg Williams]. Of course, nobody was helped by [horrific coaching/analytic-based decision amplified with Twitter evidence].

Ownership continues to place its faith in Gase, but after the latest press conference in which Gase said [unbearably stupid thing] and Williams said [preposterously overconfident thing that has no basis in reality], one has to wonder just how much further this franchise can fall before changes are made.

You’re welcome, Jets media. We’re here to help.