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Week 19 (Records through Thursday):
1.New York Yankees (71-43; Previous: 1) – Berkman takes out A-Rod, says it's last time "Mr. 600" leaves cap off toothpaste in clubhouse bathroom.
2.Tampa Bay Rays (69-45; Previous: 2) – Rays concessionaires accused of reusing old cups, which would be bad enough, but it also was on day players were asked to provide samples for steroid testing.
3.Boston Red Sox (66-50; Previous: 5) – Doctor who lashed together Schilling's ankle called in, builds one complete ballplayer out of Pedroia and Youkilis working parts. You-droia bats third.
5.Texas Rangers (65-48; Previous: 3) – Ryan dismayed to learn Rangers' offense was not included in auction price, knew he shouldn't trust Hicks.
6.Atlanta Braves (66-48; Previous: 6) – Chipper needs surgery on ACL. Mets fans debate derisive "Brooks Litchfield Conrad" chants, come up with nothing.
7.St. Louis Cardinals (64-49; Previous: 9) – Molina mocks Brandon Phillips on home-run trot, also does very realistic, "Help, I'm trapped in this batter's box!" mime.
8.Philadelphia Phillies (64-50; Previous: 7) – Phils amused by Phillips rant, though assumed initially he was talking about the Mets.
9.Minnesota Twins (65-50; Previous: 11) – Five protesters arrested during owners meetings in Minneapolis, three of whom thought they were in line for walleye on a stake.
10.Chicago White Sox (64-51; Previous: 8) – Ozzie's wife reminds him Twins coming to town. "Good," he says. "You dating somebody from there?"
11.San Francisco Giants (66-50; Previous: 12) – Fontenot traded down the hallway, by most estimates gained a half-game in standings per step.
12.Cincinnati Reds (64-51; Previous: 10) – Phillips learns a lesson about letting sleeping little female dogs lie.
13.Toronto Blue Jays (60-54; Previous: 14) – Morrow focuses on bright side of missing no-hitter by one batter. Dave Stieb helps mood by promising, "It will haunt you."
14.Colorado Rockies (59-55; Previous: 18) – Rockies closer is father for first time. Who would have thought Ripken Street would be in Denver?
15.Los Angeles Angels (59-57; Previous: 19) – Suspended for four games, Torii Hunter(notes) released from MLB Correctional Facility for Wednesday's game: "The first thing I'm going to do is eat a hamburger. I'm gonna call my wife and tell her I'm comin' home."
16.Los Angeles Dodgers (59-56; Previous: 13) – Dodgers remove Mannywood signs from left-field wall, sell space to local moving company.
17.Oakland Athletics (57-56; Previous: 15) – Sheets has flexor-tendon, pronator tendon and Tommy John surgery … all at once. Asked from where he'd like doctors to get his new ligament, Sheets suggests Strasburg.
18.Florida Marlins (57-56; Previous: 20) – After two-year boom-box ban, Marlins get their clubhouse music back. Shocked to learn hip-hop still popular.
20.Detroit Tigers (55-59; Previous: 17) – Tigers and Red Wings owner Ilitch wants to buy Pistons, which, in his line of work, is known as the "3 Meat Treat."
21.Milwaukee Brewers (54-62; Previous: 21) – Bush gives up four consecutive jacks to D'backs. His personal rope-a-dope strategy backfires in six-run loss.
22.Washington Nationals (49-66; Previous: 24) – Nats prepare for Harper negotiations, place collection buckets at all ballpark entrances, have scouts ring Strasmas bells.
23.Houston Astros (48-65; Previous: 23) – In hours before deadline, Berkman vetoed potential trades to Giants, Angels, White Sox and Tigers, authorized trades to Yankees, Padres, Rays and Rangers. A man needs to be comfortable where he's batting .176.
24.Chicago Cubs (48-67; Previous: 22) – Cubs watch Grateful Dead tribute band in San Francisco, pretty sure it, too, was playing "Out the String."
25.Kansas City Royals (47-68; Previous: 25) – Royals insist they're not "rebuilding," they're "building." Changes everything.
26.Arizona Diamondbacks (46-70; Previous: 28) – Arizona Republic reports D'backs "quietly" introduce All-Star game logo. So quietly, in fact, they had to sneak it over border.
27.Cleveland Indians (47-67; Previous: 26) – Cleveland "taking mental notes" too, burning those along with LeBron jerseys. I know, I know, I just made the list.
28.Baltimore Orioles (40-74; Previous: 30) – Showalter misses late-night Taco Bell runs with ESPN pal Kruk, where he learned all about food-run prevention.
29.Seattle Mariners (44-71; Previous: 27) – Zduriencik fires Wakamatsu, Griffey Jr. repacks SUV, hugs kids and starts drive back across country.
30.Pittsburgh Pirates (39-75; Previous: 29) – Club fires bench and pitching coaches. In other news, explains it can find cheaper scapegoats in American Association.