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How to talk to kids about tragedy after the deadly school shooting in Uvalde, Texas

When terrible news breaks, such as Tuesday’s school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, our first instincts might be to shield children from the dangers of the world.

But experts say that’s the wrong thing to do.

We should expect school-aged children to talk about events in the news — like a mass shooting or a natural disaster — with their peers when they’re out of the house.

For advice on how adults can talk to children about violence in the news, traumatic events and personal hardship, McClatchy’s News & Observer talked to two experts:

Karen Luley, a clinical child psychologist, works with Triangle Child Psychology in Durham, North Carolina.

Robin Gurwitch, a licensed clinical psychologist, works with the NC Child Treatment Program, also in Durham.

Here’s what we learned from them:

Don’t shield your child from the news. Talk about it.

Young children pick up on more than you think, Gurwitch said. Even if you’re not sharing details of events with them, they still understand that something is wrong.

“In today’s day and age, there’s very little kids don’t know about,” Gurwitch said. “Maybe you think your 6 year old doesn’t know, but their best friend has a sister who’s 14, and they get on the bus together, and the six year old says to your child, ‘Did you hear what happened?’”

People leave the Uvalde Civic Center following a shooting earlier in the day at Robb Elementary School, Tuesday, May 24, 2022, in Uvalde, Texas.
People leave the Uvalde Civic Center following a shooting earlier in the day at Robb Elementary School, Tuesday, May 24, 2022, in Uvalde, Texas.

Talking helps build a bond with your child

By showing your child that you want to talk about difficult things, you’re teaching them that they can come to you in the future for difficult conversations.

“If you can talk to your children about the hard things that happen in a way that promotes not only the child feeling listened to and heard but also supported, it sets up a lifetime of trust,” Gurwitch said.

“They’ll think, ‘My [parent] is willing to talk about hard things.’”

Listen first, then educate

  • Ask your child what they already know about the news, Gurwitch said. By listening to their understanding and asking where they learned about it (could be from a schoolteacher, a television program or a newspaper), you can understand how your child is engaging with current events.

  • Commend them for their understanding, and fill in their gaps with factual information to teach them what’s going on.

“When you talk to a child, you might say: ‘Something horrible happened. A natural disaster far away from us. A shooting at the mall in town. Fill in the blank. So tell me what you know about it,’” Gurwitch said.

“Asking them what they heard allows you to hear what the child understands, and it lets you know where to start the conversation,” she said. “It shows you what they might misunderstand or misperceive.”

Svyatoslav, 6, plays with his tablet in a public basement used as a bomb shelter in Kyiv, Ukraine, Thursday, Feb. 24, 2022. Russia has launched a full-scale invasion of Ukraine, unleashing airstrikes on cities and military bases and sending troops and tanks from multiple directions in a move that could rewrite the world’s geopolitical landscape.
Svyatoslav, 6, plays with his tablet in a public basement used as a bomb shelter in Kyiv, Ukraine, Thursday, Feb. 24, 2022. Russia has launched a full-scale invasion of Ukraine, unleashing airstrikes on cities and military bases and sending troops and tanks from multiple directions in a move that could rewrite the world’s geopolitical landscape.

Validate their feelings

Ask them how they feel about the thing that has happened and then validate their feelings, Luley said.

“Be honest about your own feelings. You can say, ‘I was really sad. I was sitting at lunch when I saw the news. I feel so sad for the families,’” Luley said. “But be age appropriate — you don’t want to be bawling your eyes out; that will be overwhelming for the child.”

While it’s OK to talk about your own emotions, remember that children will look to you to understand how to feel moving forward. If you’re visibly worried, your child will worry too.

Do your best to act calm at home, and have conversations about your own worries behind closed doors and out of earshot, Gurwitch said.

Children may ask: “Will that happen to me?”

When tragedy strikes, our natural instinct — child or adult — is to wonder if the same might happen to us, our friends or our family.

Children rely on the adults in their lives to keep them safe, so reassure your child that you — and other trustworthy grown ups in their lives — will protect them.

“We should be able to say, ‘This is what we’re doing in our family. This is what’s happening in our neighborhood, so we’re safe,’” Gurwitch said.

Action steps are often helpful.

Children feel better when they know how they can be in service, Gurwitch said. Here are some examples of how:

  • If the traumatic news impacted someone you know (for example, your neighbor’s house caught fire), you can teach them about the stove safety measures you have in place.

  • You can cook a meal with your child to bring to the impacted family, making your child feel like they are making a difference to remedy the situation.

  • Foster a sense of agency or activism. Luley: “If there’s a disaster, you can ask your kids, ‘Is there anything you want to do? Do you want to send cards? Do you want to bake food for someone grieving? If it’s related to racial violence, how can we be activists in our community? That can also help to manage the strong emotional response.”

  • If the difficult news impacted someone or people you don’t know (for example, there was a mass shooting in a grocery store across the country), you can research local organizations helping the cause and donate some money as a family, Gurwitch said. You can look into groups local to your neighborhood donating time and energy to prevent similar situations happening in your community, and as a family, you can give time or money to them.

“Sometimes kids do better — adults and kids — when they know there’s something they can do about it. So instill hope in your kids,” Luley said. “You can say, ‘That’s why we want to work as a family or community to make things better.’”

Put it in perspective.

In a situation such as the one with violence in Ukraine, kids need reassurance and understanding that the chances they will be directly impacted by violence in Ukraine is very minimal, Luley said.

“Talking about the distance between the U.S. and the countries involved can be very helpful — pull out a map or a globe to help illustrate.”

Akemi Vargas, 8, cries Monday as she talks about being separated from her father in Phoenix.
Akemi Vargas, 8, cries Monday as she talks about being separated from her father in Phoenix.

It’s OK to not have answers

Some families’ conversations about violence in the news look different than others.

For example, Black families’ conversations about police interactions often look different than non-Black families’ police-related conversations. Families with LGBTQ+ members can have different conversations about bullying and unequal treatment than families with members outside of that community.

Your child’s friends at school will likely share details from their family conversations about different topics, and it can worry your child that these conversations look different between families, Gurwitch said.

“Younger kids put things into black and white, either good or bad. And we need to explain to children that victims are not bad people, and they haven’t necessarily done anything wrong,” Luley said.

What can you do?

  • Have frequent conversations about race and privilege. That way you can talk to your children about events in the news by drawing from conversations you’ve already had.

  • Commend your child for wanting to learn and do more, even if you don’t know how just yet.

There are lots of resources to help