In the opening days of the NFL season, teams have impressed us. Delighted us. Inspired us. These … are not those teams. Welcome back, everyone, to the Sorry Six.
The rules here are simple: these are the six teams, players, units, coaches or fan bases that turned in the sorriest performances of the week. They’re not necessarily the worst in the league, but they ought to be ashamed of themselves. And we start in the Big Easy…
6. The New Orleans Saints defense
No, we’re not taking down the Saints as a whole; Drew Brees and Alvin Kamara and the rest of the offense put up 40 points, which is like a chef cooking a magnificent five-course meal and requiring only the waiter to get it to the table. Well, the waiter in this case is the New Orleans D, and the waiter not only dropped the meal, he caught the entire restaurant on fire. The only winners in this scenario are anyone who’s got Brees or Kamara on their fantasy team; the Saints offense is going to have to absolutely ball out to outrun its own D. Next up for New Orleans, though, is a heapin’ helpin’ of Cleveland Browns, good for what ails ya.
5. Atlanta Falcons
Guided by the hand of offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian, who runs an offense like your dad trying to figure out Madden, the Falcons have somehow managed to turn one of the league’s highest-powered offenses into a stuttering, sputtering mess. Oh, but in good news: the defense has already lost two Pro Bowlers in Keanu Neal and Deion Jones! And running back Devonta Freeman is going to be limited this weekend! You know the old saying: can’t blow a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl if you don’t get to the playoffs. Atlanta’s got what’s already a must-win game against a motivated Carolina this weekend. Good luck!
4. Dallas Cowboys
Everything’s bigger in Texas, even the delusion. Hey, remember that amazing 11-0 Dallas run back in 2016, when Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott looked like they were going to be the future of the NFL? Yeah? Guess what: since then, Dallas has been the literal definition of mediocre, going 11-10 over that span. They’ll get the chance to stay on the high side of .500 this weekend against the Giants on Sunday night. What? An NFC East matchup in prime time? That never happens!
3. Oakland Raiders
It’s way too early to make snap judgments, but we’ll make one anyway. Oakland should’ve made Khalil Mack a player-coach! There, I said it. Look, in theory Oakland can flip the Mack picks into multiple Pro Bowl-level players over the next few years and make Jon Gruden look like the $100 million genius his agent says he is. That’s a solid gamble, right? And before long, Oakland’s headed to Vegas, where longshot gambles always pay off big, don’t they? Anyway, Gruden gets a chance to turn around the already-tailspinning Oakland narrative this weekend against AFC West rival Denver.
2. Detroit Lions
Rebuilding since 1957! Matt Patricia got his first-ever head coaching start against the New York Jets this past Monday night, and you know what the former Patriots defensive coordinator was thinking as the Jets ran up the score: “Well, this sucks, but at least I’ve got Tom Brady to bail me out.” Yeah, about that …
1. Buffalo Bills
Up Buffalo way, they can break through tables, but they can’t break through goal lines. Bye week came early for the Bills, who managed a league-low three points in Week 1. Three! Quarterback Nathan Peterman, who threw for just 24 yards and two interceptions, set the bar so low that his replacement, Josh Allen, can just step over it. As long as Allen doesn’t collapse on the ground and curl up in a fetal position in the backfield, he’ll get the love and adoration of Bills fans. Not a tall order.
And that’ll do it for this week’s Sorry Six! Congrats to all the teams that made it, and even more congrats to those that didn’t. Got comments? Hit us up by email at email@example.com or find us on Twitter at @jaybusbee. Catch you next week, and remember … never be sorry.
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