November 15, 2011
After going AWOL and sneaking back to Argentina without clearing it with Manchester City first, Carlos Tevez made his situation with the club even worse. Now that he's missed a disciplinary hearing and tried to excuse his absence with a doctor's note like a truant school kid, his intentions have become clear, seemingly to everyone except Man City. The following is a transcript of Roberto Mancini's latest attempt to contact Tevez.
Mancini: Carlos, It's Roberto.
Tevez: Oh poop. I was hoping it was Mancini the Brazilian who used to play for Roma. Whatever happened to that guy?
Mancini: I think he went back to Brazil. Anyway, that's not why I'm calling. When will you be coming back Carlos?
Mancini: What's so funny?
Tevez: That you still think I might come back.
Mancini: You have an obligation to this club, Carlos. You must return. Or your punishment will be much, much worse.
Tevez: Dude, I don't care. How do you not get that?
Tevez: No. No buts. I just don't care anymore. That should be clear by now.
Mancini: Are you sure this is how you feel?
Tevez: Yep. Don't care.
Mancini: But...the doctor's note?
Tevez: My daughter wrote it for one of her dolls. I just crossed out the name Pixiefeather and put in my own.
Tevez: Yeah. And don't bother sending Balotelli here to try and change my mind with his hobos and his house fires again. I'm carrying a fire extinguisher on me at all times, so that's not going to work.
Mancini: Do you?
Tevez: Yeah, it...wait, it looks like a meteor is falling from the sky.
Mancini: Really? I don't think that's a meteor.
Tevez: How would you know? Oh God, it's coming right at me! That's not a meteor! That's not a meteor!!!
[Tevez's phone goes dead.]
Mancini: De Jong'd!