Shaq’s touching/hilarious/completely inaccurate police officer application

Ball Don't Lie

Athletes want to be entertainers, and entertainers want to be athletes. And most kids, at some point during their childhood, harbor dreams of stuffing out baddies as a police officer (or, if you spent way too much time in front of WGN as a kid like I did, some unholy amalgamation of Jim Rockford and Arthur Dietrich).

Shaquille O'Neal wanted to be all three. Blessed with basketball skills, somewhat-acclaimed in all the rappin' and silver screenin', with a persistent interest in becoming a law enforcer.

And, via Deadspin, the Miami New Times is reporting that Shaq wasted no time in letting the Miami Police Department know he was available for employment upon being traded to the Miami Heat back in 2004. There are many notable parts to the application, which the New Times was able to secure following a public records request, and these are some of the highlights they've taken the time to quote:

- Asked about "special skills" or "equipment", Shaq simply wrote: "Laptop computer, binnochulars [sic], master of surveillance"

- Shaq's character references are three neighbors from Star Island, including Gloria Estefan. The queen of Latin pop gave him a spotless reference, although indicated that she only knew him "somewhat".

- The Miami Beach file also includes his previous application to be a member of the Los Angeles Port Police. In this application, Shaq cited his personal chef and his lawyer as his two references.

- Shaq got deep when interviewed for the job. Asked about the best memory of his life, he responded: "All dreams have come true."


- The worst? "Messing up so much that he thought parents didn't love him."

- His weakest quality? [sic] "Don't express myself when he feels he should. His father was a drill sgt. who taught him to keep everything in."

The piece goes on to point out that O'Neal claimed on his application that he didn't have a checking account, a savings account, investments, or even a car. This must have been a pretty lousy oversight on Shaq's part, because there's no way one a person who was one of the highest-paid players in the NBA starting from his rookie year and until that 2004 point would try to pull the wool over the police department's eyes in something like this.

Now that O'Neal has moved on to Turner, and six months removed from his 40th birthday, we're guessing Shaq might be less interested in becoming a law enforcement officer.

Then again, if Gloria Estefan thinks he's right for the job …

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