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Ron Harper defends himself against an Onion column

Kelly Dwyer
Ron Harper defends himself against an Onion column

Before we begin, if you’ll allow some personal influence, I should point out that Ron Harper is my favorite basketball player. Ever.

He missed this one, though.

A few years back, the satirical newspaper The Onion decided to delve into the world of sports, silly them, producing a typically hilarious page under the tag of ‘Onion Sports.’ And earlier this week, that arm published a piece about a fictional Ron Harper, purportedly talking up his time on the 1992 and 1996 Men’s USA “Dream Team,” culling together lines like this:

“That team was something else: Magic, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, and me, manning the perimeter. We were unstoppable. Granted, what we accomplished in ’96 was pretty great too, but nothing can ever come close to that summer in Barcelona.” According to sources, the former athlete was later heard regaling a toll booth operator about his legendary “flu game” during the 1997 NBA Finals, in which a severely ill Harper improbably managed to score 38 points en route to a Chicago Bulls victory.

Solid work, all around. Harp wasn’t a part of those Dream Teams, and he merely scored just five points and registered one assist in Michael Jordan’s legendary “flu game,” and also he may have been unaware that The Onion is all about laffs and jokes:

This is just fine. The Onion remains America’s finest news source, Onion Sports still does fine work, and Ron Harper remains our favorite basketball player. Ever. The man could lash out at Spinal Tap for being a terrible rock and roll band and we’d still defend him while stomping our boots.

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Kelly Dwyer

is an editor for Ball Don't Lie on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at KDonhoops@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter!