The Dos And Don'ts Of Reaching Out To A Sex Worker, As Told By Sex Workers

Hello! I'm Jessie Sage — a sex worker, adult performer, and writer who has been working in and covering the industry for the last six years. One of the most difficult parts of the job is walking clients through the process of buying our content/services, and this is in part because no one talks about how to be a good customer or client (few even admit that they are customers and clients)!

“I think when we are trying to get laid, especially if we are feeling a little insecure, we just really struggle to communicate,” says Georgie Wolf, an Australian-based independent escort and author of the bookThe Art of the Hook Up. “Most people have no idea how to have a conversation with sex workers; sex comes into the picture, and their brain shuts down.”

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So what would good communication with a sex worker look like — communication that would compel sex workers to respond to text messages and not cancel plans? Here are some pointers!

1.Behave professionally!

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2.Give sex workers the info they need upfront!

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3.Do your research upfront, and have an idea of what you want.

"I want big dirty hot love" — conceptual image for sex, relationships, online dating and sex addiction

4.Don't send explicit messages right off the bat.

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While we need very specific information about where and when you want to meet, what we don’t want to have are explicit conversations about sex or money (particularly combined). While there is more leeway for this where Wolf works in Australia, the criminalization of sex work makes this dangerous in a US context. Wolf says, “I have talked to some US escorts, and they have said that if someone mentions sex in the first message there is no way they can see that person — it’s too dangerous.”

Shane recalls not responding to a potential client after he sent her a long message waxing poetic about his love of oral. “I can’t see you after you go on and on about eating pussy,” she says. “It is a legal issue for you too; you don’t want that in your email.”

Explicit messages also make us feel like you aren’t taking our safety seriously. Shane comments in frustration at some of the messages she’s received: “I get it — we are going to have sex. But is there no point at which you second-guess making this so explicit?”

Wolf agrees, adding, “There is no need to mention your dick. Escorts don’t care about the size of your dick.” She goes on, “What we want from a client is respect, professionalism, and good hygiene. You get a free pass on age, body size, work history, all the superficial things.”

Ultimately, one of the things that is nice about booking a sex worker is that it is a more straightforward interaction than dating is. It is a way to treat yourself to the pleasure and connection that you are looking for in your life, and sex workers are more than happy to help you have those experiences — it is our job to create them! But you can help us help you by following these simple guidelines. It will get you much further than a middle-of-the-night “You avail????”

What questions do you have about approaching sex workers in the best manner? Let us know in the comments.