Ranking the XFL team names, from most ridiculous to not all that terrible
Vince McMahon’s XFL has announced the team names for its eight teams. No Memphis Maniax this time.
The XFL, which launches in 2020, might be calmer in this iteration than it was back in 2001, but the team names are still fairly humorous. It’s hard to come up with brand new team names that aren’t either boring or seem ridiculous. If someone pitched “Green Bay Packers” today, they’d probably look foolish. We’re just used to the established ones.
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With that, let’s take a look at the eight XFL team names, ranking from most ridiculous to ... well, not best, but less ridiculous:
8. St. Louis BattleHawks
What exactly is a BattleHawk? I don’t know, but this was the explanation in the XFL’s release: “Winged warriors. Preparing for flight. Preparing to fight. They await their orders. Then attack as one. Diving, dodging, swooping, striking. Their mission: create chaos. Their mandate: win at all costs. The St. Louis BattleHawks. Cleared to engage.” All righty.
7. Seattle Dragons
“Dragons” isn’t too wild, but extra points for this hype video:
Relentless, ruthless, ravenous.
Not of mythology, but of muscle and might.
Breathing fire February 2020: The Seattle Dragons. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/odx2YFnlwa— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019
6. Tampa Bay Vipers
Again, the XFL’s write-ups on these nicknames is a wee bit over the top: “In the shadows they wait. Demons, born in darkness. Hunters by instinct. Cold-blooded by nature. Their bite, unavoidable. Their grip, inescapable. They slither and stalk their competition. Luring all who challenge them, into the jaws of defeat. The Tampa Bay Vipers.”
5. Houston Roughnecks
I get it, roughnecks is a shoutout to the oil rig industry and the workers in it. As the XFL says, they are “Brawlers in blackened dirt. Not just for three hours. Not just when the lights are bright.” Loving these descriptions.
4. New York Guardians
The only guardians I care about are the ones for the galaxy. The XFL says these New York Guadians are “Sentries carved of stone.” I see.
3. DC Defenders
Not Washington D.C. or even D.C. The XFL doesn’t have time for punctuation. Not a terrible name. Hopefully they have a good defense, or it’ll be kinda weird. So will talking about the “Defenders defense.”
2. Dallas Renegades
This team either plays Styx’s “Renegade” for four straight quarters or they’ve really missed out. A solid name. The XFL wasn’t going to have just standard nicknames like Tigers or Lions. At least they’re different. Except with ...
1. Los Angeles Wildcats
Who snuck in and picked this one? The only XFL nickname that you’ll find in one-third of all high schools in America. But hey, who ever had a problem with a “Wildcats” nickname?
Squad. #XFLTeams pic.twitter.com/Og4yKW07c4
— XFL (@xfl2020) August 21, 2019
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Frank Schwab is a writer for Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at shutdown.corner@yahoo.com or follow him on Twitter! Follow @YahooSchwab
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