The trend of World Cup surprises continues as Germany fails to advance while Japan wins Group E, and Christian Pulisic tackles the awkward topic of… his balls, setting the record straight (kind of) about his recent injury. Plus, the Bills beat the Patriots to take control of the AFC East.
JARED QUAY: There is so much going on in the world of football, like the Bills taking care of the Patriots on Thursday night to move to first place in the AFC East. Or the controversial return of this guy. And the fact that this guy just won't go away.
But there are far more important football matters to discuss.
- Like what?
JARED QUAY: After days of speculation, our gigantic national mystery has finally been solved.
CHRISTIAN PULISIC: I didn't get, like, hit in the balls.
JARED QUAY: How did we arrive at this revelation of national importance? Yahoo's own Henry Bushnell is out there in Qatar dropping all the hard-hitting questions.
- This might be too much information, but can you tell us what exactly, like, you were feeling when you woke up the next morning after the game, for example, and what exactly a pelvic contusion is?
CHRISTIAN PULISIC: I mean, it's a pelvic contusion, you know.
JARED QUAY: No, Christian. We literally don't know, which is why my guy Henry asked.
CHRISTIAN PULISIC: Like, I didn't get, like, hit in the balls, but, like, it's not like-- I'm all right. I'm all right. It was very painful, and it just-- that bone is there for a reason-- to protect you, I think. And I hit it well, and it was sore.
JARED QUAY: For those of you who haven't taken a physiology class lately, the pelvis is pretty big, and Christian didn't elaborate on exactly where the ouchy is. What Christian did say is that he's getting better, and hoping to play on Saturday in the US knockout stage match against the Netherlands.
Man, this World Cup has been absolutely nuts.
- [SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
JARED QUAY: Germany failed to advance to the knockout stage for the second consecutive World Cup.
JARED QUAY: Germany and Costa Rica didn't make it out of group E, while Spain advanced and Japan stunned everybody by winning the group. And I'm here for it because this team is called the Samurai Blue, which might be the best nickname of the tournament. And their team crest is the Yatagarasu, a three-legged crow from Japanese mythology that symbolizes the sun.
- That's deep.
JARED QUAY: And dope as hell. Yo, I would buy that Jersey. Sorry, that kit. Man, I'm still trying to learn the lingo of soccer. It doesn't help that I only speak it every four years when the US Women's National team is playing, because that's the only time we really win. Don't get me wrong. The US Men's National team is good, but right now, it's on the ladies. And I kind of got a crush on Abby Wambach. You know, she probably don't like me, but I like her. Love is really a one-way street.