Norway is dominating the medal count, and it's time somebody did something about it

PYEONGCHANG, South Korea – As an American I feel comfortable speaking for all the people of the world. As such, on behalf of all the people in the world I’d like to tell Norway to chill the hell out and stop kicking our Oslos all over the place.

You can’t turn around here at the Winter Olympics without finding: 1) smiling South Koreans, 2) servings of delicious kimchi and 3) another Norwegian winning a damn medal.

The total is at 25 medals and counting, including nine golds. No one else is really close. Germany is second with 17 and nine, respectively. The, ahem, mighty United States is at 10 and five. Just wait until our men’s hockey team gets cranking though. That’s the plan. Or something.

Twenty-five medals for a country of about 5.2 million, which means the entire world is losing to Metro Atlanta … if we kicked 500,000 people out of Metro Atlanta.

The Norwegians are winning in skiing. They are winning in skating. They are winning in jumping. They are certainly winning at drinking Akevitt to celebrate the skiing, skating and jumping.

There doesn’t appear to be much the world can do to stop the mighty Norwegians, who won 26 medals at the entire Sochi Games and 23 in Vancouver but are now threatening to lap the field while brandishing biathlon rifles.

Sure, but how are you at NASCAR?

This is such domination that if there were an entry here called “Norwegians Named Johannes” it would rank 10th in total gold medals (Hoesflot Klaebo in cross country, Thinges Boe in biathalon). That’s two gold medals more than the actual entry here called “Olympic Athletes (of any name) From Russia.”

It’s time for the rest of the world to unite to stop this madness. We need all hands on deck, if only to quickly construct another Russian doping lab or something.

We can’t let the Norwegians win. It’s all just too much.

Even before the Olympics, Norway already ranked No. 1 in surveys by the World Happiness Report, the Better Life Index and the Public Integrity Index. I’d tell you what those entail, but I just copied them off Wikipedia since my worker productivity isn’t very good. I’m not Norwegian, remember.

Who knows what got into these guys?

Marit Bjorgen (center), Ingvild Flugstad Ostberg (left) and Heidi Weng have helped Norway dominate the Winter Games so far. (Reuters)
Marit Bjorgen (center), Ingvild Flugstad Ostberg (left) and Heidi Weng have helped Norway dominate the Winter Games so far. (Reuters)

Watching the aurora borealis light up some beautiful fjord while sipping a cup of karsk and discussing your high per-capita income rate wasn’t enough? Painting your houses bright, vibrant colors to form picturesque coastal towns no longer satisfied?

Don’t be fooled because Norwegians seem nice and look great. And, yes, they really look great. Check these people out, it’s as if they arrived straight off a hot chocolate box – if the hot chocolate were designed for people coming directly from the gym and to the hair salon.

Johannes Hosflot Klaebo must have been constructed in a small factory along the Nidelva River to make the rest of the world’s men (other than the Tongan flag bearer) feel inadequate. The PyeongChang organizing committee reportedly supplied the athlete village with 110,000 condoms, which is good, but what about all the other countries?

We’d like to make fun of the Norwegians and claim they are racking up medals in dumb and weak sports but, nah, it’s the stuff that requires plowing through snow covered forests, climbing mountainous peaks, shooting things with great accuracy and skating for prolonged periods of time. This is the real stuff.

This is what happens when you have lots of free time because you aren’t spending it influencing other country’s elections.

Norway’s diabolic secret is that they are winning in events the rest of the world is now too lazy to attempt. When it comes to participatory sports, Norwegians like to partake in 15km cross country ski races. Americans like to criticize the NBA dunk contest.

Hey, to each their own.

The fear here is that the Norwegians will become full of themselves … albeit in the politest manner possible as they ride their bikes to the recycling center.

Look Norway, the Winter Olympics are cool, but come talk to us when you increase your rates for childhood obesity, income inequality and mass incarceration. That’s when the big countries of the world really take you seriously. A thriving economy, universal health care and high life expectancy isn’t impressing anyone out here. You haven’t unilaterally invaded anyone in a long time.

And how about that No. 2 ranking in the World Prosperity Index? You guys slipping, perhaps?

Besides, if you were really so agreeable and charming, you’d let someone else win for a change. I know a hockey team that could use a boost.

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