May 05, 2011
(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The fans who hated them the most. Here are Pittsburgh Penguins bloggers The Pensblog, fondly recalling the 2010-11 Washington Capitals. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)
By The Pensblog
Read it. Greg Wysh did not write this eulogy. No, he commissioned us, The Pensblog, to do so. We do not represent all Penguin fans. We simply represent ourselves and the degenerates in our community.
Before we start. Let's begin with an excerpt from the book of Bowser, a homeless Capitals rapper:
Welcome to DC
The hockey district
You only come to play us if you want your butt kicked
You got your home team?
I got my Caps Tix
If you don't like it, then you can go to H-E Double hockey sticks!
A lot of people are questioning why we are here today. Why should we be the ones to eulogize the Washington Capitals?
In "The Dark Knight," The Joker says to Batman, "Maybe we're destined to do this forever." That is how we feel with the Capitals. Maybe both fan bases are destined to go at each other forever.
So it goes without saying that we can't stand 99.8 percent of Capital fans. But the Penguins fan base has a lot of the same type of idiots, including us. The only difference is that the Pens fan base has a lower rate of bizarre rap videos per capita.
We consider Capitals bloggers -- Japers' Rink, E-Mac, Russian Machine Works When It Feels Like It, among others -- to be the best bloggers in the NHL. Basically because they know what they're getting themselves into every season, and yet they keep coming back for more. You have to admire that kind of insanity.
Using this eulogy to throw barbs directly at the Caps fan base would not be a good use of everyone's time. The Caps and Pens have been eliminated from the playoffs by the same team for the past two years. It would be like two guys fighting over a hot girl while that hot girl is getting plowed by some other guy.
But we do feel obliged to acknowledge the Capitals' season that never was.
If fans in other cities didn't hate Pittsburgh and Washington enough, the two teams were then the subject of the HBO miniseries "24/7" this season. And that series had a script that Hollywood would've given the green light for a blockbuster movie. The Pens were firing on all cylinders, while the Caps were down and out. All of a sudden, the Caps start putting together some wins, while the Pens' winning streak ended, shortly followed by the end of Crosby's point streak. In the end, the Capitals knocked out the Prince, won the Winter Classic, and had their eyes set on their stretch run to the playoffs.
It was the perfect movie plot. In keeping with that, we're gonna take a quick look at some other movie plots that bear striking similarities to the Washington Capitals.
Maybe it is best said in "The Perfect Storm" when that one skank gives the eulogy at end of the film:
"For those of us left behind, the vast unmarked grave which is home for those lost at sea is no consolation. It can't be visited, there is no headstone on which to rest a bunch of flowers... The only place we can revisit them, is in our hearts, or in our dreams. They say swordboatmen suffer from a lack of dreams, that's what begets their courage... Well we'll dream for you."
Is there a comparison there behind the Washington Capitals and swordboatmen? Of course. Does it fit? Yes.
Because in the end the Capitals were a bunch of men in a boat that never should've went down. The only difference is that over the course of the boat ride, the fishermen didn't jump into the windows of the wheelhouse and on top of one another every time they caught a fish. They acted like they had been there before.
But that comparison isn't exactly right.
Maybe the Capitals are like Pickett's Charge in "Gettysburg."
Virginians! Virginians! For your land - for your homes - for your sweethearts - for your wives - for Virginia! Forward... march!
If you've studied the Civil War, or just base all facts off the movie "Gettysburg" like we do, you would know that despite being named Pickett's Charge, the burden of the South's failures was squarely on the shoulders of Lt. Gen. James Longstreet.
The comparison works here. Bruce Boudreau will be history's fall guy, but general manager George McPhee should shoulder the blame. His refusal to put together a big-time defense betrayed him yet again. If there was a place called Joke City, Karl Alzner(notes) and John Carlson(notes) would be co-mayors on Foursquare. John Erksine isn't even real. He sucks so bad. Scott Hannan(notes), Washington's big addition on defense, embarrassed himself in the Tampa series on numerous occasions. Some guy named Sean Collins(notes) played in Game 4 because Mike Green(notes) listened to the new Adele CD too many times and cut himself.
But it is Boudreau who will probably get the ax for this while McPhee will continue to reflect upon his bad decisions while riding elevators.
The similarities between the 2011 Washington Capitals and the Civil War fall a bit short, though. Mainly because Pickett wasn't 100 pounds overweight and addicted to ice cream.
It almost works with the overall leadership comparison, but comparing the Southern troops to the Washington Capitals players would be saying that the Capitals players actually had any courage.
Except for their captain. He bleeds courage.
Maybe the real Ovechtrick is nine straight playoff failures.
Perhaps it's nine playoff games.
Perhaps it's the nickname for his 9-iron.
Perhaps it's the amount of goals he scored all season.
We'd check his actual goal total, but we don't feel like scrolling all the way down to his name in the goal column.
(Original Art by Nate Beeler of the Washington Examiner.)
Every time the camera would pan to AO's face during this recent Lightning series, you almost felt that he was going to utter the same lines as Biff Tannen did in a "Back To The Future" movie:
"There's something very familiar about all this."
Biff Tannen and Alex Ovechkin(notes). Two all-world talents that never got any help. Think about this. If Biff Tannen has some big-time help in any of the "Back To The Future" movies, it is lights-out for Marty McFly. Instead, Biff had to do everything himself. He was spent.
Biff had it all. He had the skill and the desire. Biff pushed everyone around, banged unlimited chicks, had unlimited success. But somehow Marty McFly always beats him. This happens because Biff has no support.
Same thing as Alex Ovechkin. What else can he do? He has scored big-time goals, plays like he is on PCP. What else does the guy have to do? His entire team betrayed him.
• Nicklas Backstrom(notes) started training for Swedish Meatball Eating Competitions and stopped doing anything related to hockey. Maybe his drop to 65 points this year was a preview of things to come. We're not even sure enlisting the help of Navy SEALS Team Six would've helped located Backstrom in the playoffs this year, or any year.
• Alex Semin. Maybe it's best to start checking the decks of all the yachts in the Black Sea. Like clockwork, Semin's got a two-week head start on summer. On the bright side, another "Summer with Ovi and Sasha" is right around the corner. That means four months of photos that will be about as comfortable as one of Quentin Tarantino's nightmares. Or a Prodigy video.
• Can't even name any more Caps. Johansson? Mike Ridley? Who knows.
It is sad really. Alex Ovechkin and Biff Tannen.
Two extreme talents that always end up with poop in their mouths.
The Capitals are no longer with us for a number of reasons. They couldn't get goals when they needed them. They never quite solved Dwayne Roloson(notes). They allowed Tampa's unsung heroes to score timely goals. They were stifled by the 1-3-1. They didn't make adjustments when they needed to. They couldn't score a big power-play goal to save their lives. The injuries to Crosby and Malkin were just too much to overcome for any longer.
Wait. Those are the reasons the Penguins lost.
But as you can see, a lot of the reasons are the same.
Some may say that there are many similarities between the Penguins and the Capitals, and that's true in some cases.
However, there are two major differences: Ted Leonsis and Bruce Boudreau.
We love those two guys and can't help but mock them.
We'll be very sad if Bruce Boudreau is fired, and not only because he honestly seems like a good guy who loves the sport of hockey. First of all, firing Boudreau may actually make the Caps better, which is the last thing we want. However, that's not our main reason for hoping he sticks around. We'd lose many, many jokes if he was no longer with the team.
Everyone remembers the sauce, or "dead skin," on his face during "24/7." Everyone remembers the hunt for Häagen-Dazs. Everyone remembers his angry tirades from the bench, where his face turns red and he looks like he's going to explode.
Don't make us come up with new jokes. Please keep Boudreau. We'll miss him if he goes.
But at least we'll still have Ted Leonsis, no matter what.
It seems like it's actually impossible for him to go more than a short period of time without saying something ridiculous. The now famous "we have arrived" is the most memorable of his quotes, but he's also had so many more.
"I believe that if the Caps can qualify for the playoffs, 10 or 15 years in a row, and we have a really good team that's young and has upside, that with that continuity and that knocking on the door enough, that we'll get our fair share of Stanley Cups. That's what I believe and I have to believe." (Bog)
"Two more games to go. Last home game of the regular season is tonight. Saturday in Florida and then let the chips fall where they may. This season has been a grind. You decide if we are an elite NHL team or not. It doesn't matter to us. We are what we are. We are what our record says we are." (Take)
"We have to win the Stanley Cup. Pittsburgh has already won theirs." (24/7)
Well, Ted, we guess you had to be eliminated by the Lightning, as well, since Pittsburgh already did that.
What Ted Leonsis doesn't understand is that no team in the NHL receives their "fair share of Stanley Cups." You don't win the Cup because "Pittsburgh has already won theirs." You don't win it because of your regular-season record. You don't win it because your fans are loud or your arena is all red.
Maybe if Ted spent some time watching his own team and analyzing its weaknesses instead of arguing with bloggers (Capitals bloggers at that) and comparing the Capitals to the Penguins, he might actually have a shot at the Cup.
Maybe the Capitals will make big changes over the offseason. Maybe Boudreau, or whoever replaces him, will learn and will turn things around. Maybe Alex Semin will put in some effort. Maybe that Jersey Shore "Beat That Beat Up" song will be played in May and June while the Capitals fist-pump their way to success.
Or maybe they'll be happy with their sirens, their horns, their red-clad crowd, their rockstar atmosphere, and their playoff failures. Maybe Ted Leonsis constantly talks about how the team is going to win the Cup so that he'll sell tickets without actually having to win the Cup.
We have no idea.
"We're looking [expletive] defeated right now! Show some [expletive] courage and play the game properly! You'll score three [expletive] goals if you do! I'm [expletive] sick and tired of losing. Let's [expletive] get our asses outta our heads!" - Bruce Boudreau
Now, Caps, for the sake of actually making this a rivalry instead of just an insult-trading contest, get your "asses outtta your heads" and go out there and [expletive] want it.
Otherwise, we'll be back here next year, writing yet another Caps eulogy. And no one wants that.
The Penguins eulogy was ended like this: "Rot in hell, Pittsburgh Penguins."
Well, Washington, as a wise man once said: Welcome To The Circus.
Written by The Pensblog. We can't stress this enough.