December 22, 2011
Christmas came early for Puck Daddy this year. Not only were we blessed with the excellence of the San Jose Sharks' holiday shopping network video last week, but on Thursday we learned that another NHL team actually had created a holiday video that was better.
If you haven't seen the Chicago Blackhawks' Sing-Along Holiday Album yet, you should. It's a Christmas miracle, teeming with horrible sweaters, green screen, and awful singing from all your favourite Chicago players (and Sean O'Donnell).
Granted, I was kind of hoping this video would suddenly reveal one of the Blackhawks to be a remarkable singer, like that scene in Love Actually where it turns out Hugh Grant's driver has the voice of an opera soloist (why is there no Youtube video of this?), but there's so much awesome here it's hard to complain.
In fact, there's so much awesome that I was able to make a numbered list. Here are the 10 best moments in the Chicago Blackhawks' holiday video.
10. Patrick Kane was mere moments from seducing everyone with the finger points, casual twisting, and tongue-wagging. And then he sang. Worst. Ever.
9. A lot of the other performers are phoning it in, but Patrick Sharp really seems to be into it. Those are some legit finger snaps. And he's got a serious Lawrence Welk thing going on.
8. "Deck Jamal and you'll be sorry" is an awesome parody song that needs to be fully written and recorded immediately. As is "I Saw Mommy Kissing Montador".
7. Niklas Hjalmarsson's sudden switch from dorky Swedish caroller to Emo Santa is the greatest heel turn since Hulk Hogan joined the NWO.
6. The fact that Marian Hossa's rendition of "Oh Hossa Night" cuts out before he reaches the refrain is music's best "leave them wanting more" moment since Coldplay's "Don't Panic" ended before the bridge.
5. Brian Bickell looks like some sort of Christmas stripper for people spending the holidays alone.
4. Dave Bolland should have spent a little less time going through the prop chest and a little more time learning his one line. He had to say three words, one of which was his own name, and he screwed it up. Better: no one suggested a second take.
3. Two words: "Frolik Navidad."
2. The sudden closeup on creepy old Sean O'Donnell is a jump scene on par with the scene behind the Winkie's in Mulholland Drive. And then the camera pans out and there are penguins on his sweater, which is almost as scary.
1. The terrifying unmusicality of "You might think there's no such thing as -- JOHN SCOTT." For a brief moment, I wondered if Scott was incapable of saying anything but his own name, like a Pokemon.