September 25, 2008
Boston Kings Hockey recently published an absolutely hilarious list on their Web site: Psychological profiles of the various characters you'd find in your local beer league in North America.
It was forwarded to them in an e-mail, so we imagine it's made the rounds (although it was new to us). If anyone out there can identify the original author, we'll be honored to add it to this post.
(UPDATE: As was mentioned in the comments and in a rather curt e-mail from the authors, this genius "Beer League profile" list sprung from the minds of our buddies at Orland Kurtenblog in an article last month. Apologies for the confusion; we must have missed this amusing compilation in between posts No. 1,400 and No. 1,401 about Ryan Walter's motivational speaking career. Full credit and congratulations on a Funny Uproarious concept and execution, boys.)
Meanwhile, here's a taste of the all-too-familiar faces around the rec league hockey locker room:
The Tardy Goalie - Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, [expletive deleted].
The Complete Psycho - Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop - all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy - Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend - An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
These archetypes obviously apply to many other organized sports -- we've all had to suffer through the oblivious tyranny of The Naked Guy in one locker room or another. The list is incredibly insightful and entertaining. If we were to add one profile, it'd be The Equipment Braggart: The guy with the latest innovations in skates or sticks who'll pimp the price tags but whose lack of talent makes them rather superfluous.
What's your beer league profile?