Will the real Michael Bisping please stand up?

Yahoo Sports
Will the real Michael Bisping please stand up?
Will the real Michael Bisping please stand up?

Middleweight contenders Tim Kennedy and Michael Bisping will settle their score in the Octagon in a five-round main event at The Ultimate Fighter Nations: Canada vs. Australia. In the meantime, they'll be trash-talking one another with blogs on Yahoo Sports.

My dearest colleagues, friends, acquaintances, and kin,

By now you might have read the contemptible accusations leveled against me by Mr. Michelangelo Bisping, The Count of Orange… County… California, in an eloquently written dissertation recently circulated by Yahoo Sports. It is patently obvious that those words could only be written by Sir Bisping, as we all know he has a grand and notable history of such articulate language.

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If one simply scrolls through his archive of Tweetery over the years, you will see an archetypal exhibition and, dare I say, mastery of the English language. This may run contrary to the knuckle-dragging, Cockney-like image that he displays in his circadian public existence.

Indeed, King Bisping certainly sheds that boorish mold in this stirring article and somehow reminds us that even though one may look imprudent and simpleminded in every facet of his public life, he is still capable of an acerbic wit and Shakespearian charm once the room is bereft of prying eyes. I have no doubt that he, Lord Bisping, was the sole author of the aforementioned prose—just as I’m sure everyone believes that I, Timothy Becifius Kennedy VIII, am the only man behind this retort.

It is then, with mine heart brimming with the anticipation of a battle of the minds, that I humbly accept your invitation to face off in the crucible of repartee. We both certainly have rapiers’ wits, whilst our mutual occupation might be gory and unforgiving. Heaven knows he has verified his proficiency of our shared tongue time and time again in the habitation of Twitter – never once breaking from the simplest guidelines of, as our friends in España call it, Ingles.

But all accolades and praise aside, I must inquire, for the sake of my righteous and wandering soul, did you bite your thumb at me, sir? Were your intentions not to provoke me and my humble camp? Or were you, Lord Bisping, simply trying to raise my temperament for the propaganda of our upcoming bout? Oompa Loompa, sir? Thou hast left a blight upon my spirit that I am not wont to forget.

Early in your Yahoo pillorying of my reputation, you state, “to be honest, I couldn’t care less about what that guy has to say.”

I find this declaration to be utterly fictitious, among others in your 1,100 word harangue. You, sir, are a daft, barmy, and dare I say, vainglorious reprobate, and I tire of your poxy logic.

May I submit to you, fair readers, a twosome of examples, among so many, substantiating the very attention His Grace Saint Bisping Aquinas shows me, which he then denies?

February 22, 2014, while at the helm of the UFC account of Twitter, I submitted a soul-stealing image in the spirit of jest, to which you eloquently retweeted and countered:

Khal Bisping, you certainly seem to lack the most elementary ability to grasp satire, and I’m afraid your attempt at jocularity was for naught.

The second transgression which I must to thine eyes call attention to appears February 24, 2014 Anno Domini:

You, sire, who most willfully claims that the Yahoo Sports op-ed is your style, seem to lack the most basic abilities to conjugate when left to your own devices. I shall digress on these points, for I believe the reader hath picked up what I am putting down.

Perhaps your most unsettling slur was, again, in the Yahoo article that you so clearly wrote yourself: “If he’d traveled to other countries for any other reason than to go shoot people, he’d have learned there’s a great, big world out there full of different people…”

Doth mine eyes deceive me, or was that a direct affront to all members of the ISAF—including Americans, Australians, Canadians, and the British?

For more than half a score, these brave men and women from the aforesaid nations (and others) have put their lives on the line for each other, their people, and the challenging mission to rebuild nations that have so long been torn asunder by dictatorship, famine, and war. These “shooters”, as you call them, are individuals, each with their own unique stories, experiences, heartaches, and triumphs. Emperor Bisping, are you that quick to relegate our service to fulfill your wretched attempt at an insult? That appears low brow, even by the meager standards that the combined effort of your intellect and character rhythmically produces. There is no more noble profession than that of arms, and I guarantee with near certainty that a great many members of the British military see me more as their brother than they do yours. I certainly share that love for them.

Being graced with the opportunity to challenge opponents with great skill in the UFC and Strikeforce has been one of the greatest pleasures of my life—one that I am truly and eternally thankful for. But unlike you, I understand that there is a much harsher world outside of the cage, and I am certain those with similar life experiences (regardless of nationality) will wholeheartedly agree with me on that. I never take anything for granted because of that, you spoiled, inarticulate hooligan. Pardon my French, but vas te faire encule!

Nevertheless, your harsh language cuts deep within my soul—causing me to re-evaluate my very existence. I have navigated my way through this Darwinian abyss we call life, and my only recourse at this junction is to give my all in our upcoming game of fisticuffs. I shall try, nay, I shall do my very best to outfox you in the fighter’s coop since I am clearly restrained and outmatched in my verbal faculties.

Good day, sir.

Timothy Maximus Aurelius Titus Kennedy VIII, Esquire


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