The Dodgers have won five of eight games under Bud Selig, making them Un-America’s Team.
(Records through Wednesday’s games.)
1. Colorado Rockies (16-7; Previous: 3) – After awful slump that leaves his batting average at .214, Rockies wonder where CarWent.
2. Philadelphia Phillies (16-8; Previous: 2) – PhillieBot bounces ceremonial first pitch. Club strips it for spare parts – knee for Utley, shoulder for Lidge, elbow for Contreras.
3. Cleveland Indians (15-8; Previous: 6) – Indians fans totally confused: Should they guard against optimism or refrain from panic?
4. Florida Marlins (15-8; Previous: 17) – LoMo to auction team-autographed foot cast on eBay for charity, will keep atrophy for himself.
5. Texas Rangers (15-9; Previous: 1) – Rangers sure forty-somethings Oliver and Rhodes have stuff and makeup for ninth inning, only hope they can stay up that late.
6. New York Yankees (13-8; Previous: 5) – Jeter says, “I had nothing to do with that book,” commonly known as The Art Schlichter Defense.
7. Los Angeles Angels (14-11; Previous: 9) – Angels ask Wells to lose some weight, you know, if they’re going to have to carry him all year.
9. St. Louis Cardinals (13-11; Previous: 20) – La Russa goes to closer by committee, issues HazMat suits.
10. Cincinnati Reds (13-12; Previous: 4) – Leake says it was all a big misunderstanding: Thought he was at Neiman Marcus.
11. Atlanta Braves (13-13; Previous: 15) – McDowell apologizes for making lewd gesture with bat, in hindsight would have taken donut and pine tar off.
13. Oakland Athletics (12-13; Previous: 10) – … and the A’s offense.
14. Los Angeles Dodgers (13-13; Previous: 16) – Rookie Sands’ works part-time as a school discipline monitor. Uribe’s swing generally reports three times a week.
15. Toronto Blue Jays (11-13; Previous: 13) – Bautista so good customs agents let him ask the questions.
16. Milwaukee Brewers (12-12; Previous: 14) – Brewers expect Greinke back on homestand. Good news for a team that needs rebounding help.
17. Detroit Tigers (12-12; Previous: 19) – Other Ryan Raburn(notes) feats: Blew Carlton Fisk foul ball three feet to right, pushed Luis Gonzalez flare four feet higher, knocked Mookie Wilson grounder four inches lower, wasn’t there for Willie McCovey liner.
18. Kansas City Royals (12-12; Previous: 12) – The Royals once released personal information on their season-ticket holders; the Glasses made it up to them by having them all to their table for a nice pre-game meal. Had to get an extra chair and everything.
19. Chicago White Sox (10-15; Previous: 8) – Peavy loses pitching arm in tragic white tiger attack, says he expects to make a rehab start Saturday and take his regular turn next week.
21. Boston Red Sox (10-13; Previous: 30) – Club to honor Fenway Park on its 100th anniversary, ceremonies to include scrubbing off mustard spilled by young Mary Lou Abercrombie in first-base dugout boxes on Opening Day, 1912.
22. New York Mets (11-13; Previous: 26) – Mets win six in a row, Wilpon says he has a guy who can turn that into 12, easy.
23. Chicago Cubs (10-13; Previous: 18) – Here’s two more unwritten rules: 1) Don’t get so far behind in the late innings; 2) Throw the guy out at second.
24. Washington Nationals (10-13; Previous: 21) – Hernandez says there is “nothing interesting” in federal laundering investigation, though it would explain all those untraceable baserunners.
25. Pittsburgh Pirates (11-13; Previous: 23) – Pirates management in full support of expanded playoffs, wonder just how “expanded” we’re talking here.
26. Minnesota Twins (9-13; Previous: 25) – There are whispers Mauer is too tall to continue being a catcher. Well, he’d like to see someone say that to his chest.
27. Houston Astros (9-15; Previous: 28) – Astros pitchers batting .349, remarkable considering they don’t get to face themselves.
28. Seattle Mariners (10-15; Previous: 29) – Bradley wears ear plugs during at-bats. Wedge counters with blindfold.
29. Arizona Diamondbacks (10-13; Previous: 24) – To reverse luck, Saunders says he’ll sacrifice live chicken. Gibson overrules, has chicken swing away.
30. San Diego Padres (9-16; Previous: 22) – Padres have a driver for a foul pole, an L-wedge for an offense.