Welcome to another season of Yahoo! Sports MLB power rankings, which are based on merit, low-brow arithmetic and author whim.
Any resemblance to real accuracy, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
(Records are last season's, and the previous ranking is where teams stood in early December.)
2. San Francisco Giants (92-70; Previous: 7) – Current Giants marvel at Bonds' cap, consider using it for one of those old school bullpen carts.
4. Atlanta Braves (91-71; Previous: 5) – Liberty Media reportedly considering selling club, advertise as "like new" and (except for Chipper) "low miles."
5. Philadelphia Phillies (97-65; Previous: 3) – Hamels so average during spring training rest of Fab Four considers replacing him with Ringo Starr.
6. Oakland Athletics (81-81; Previous: 13) – Trevor Cahill(notes)âs nickname, self-awarded in a squishy moment of his rookie year of 2009, is Pterodactyl. Since, it's been trimmed to Dactyl. "Yeah," he says, "I'm hoping to lose one letter every couple years until it's gone."
8. Cincinnati Reds (91-71; Previous: 6) – Cueto and Bailey are on the DL, Arroyo has mono, and Dusty Baker is the one who needs to lie down.
9. Minnesota Twins (94-68; Previous: 2) – Three months later, Blyleven almost done rubbing sportswriters' noses in it.
11. Colorado Rockies (83-79; Previous: 10) – Giambi testifies in Bonds trial, still angry with Anderson for giving brother Jeremy the placebo.
12. Chicago White Sox (88-74; Previous: 12) – Ali visits White Sox camp, can't get a word in on Ozzie.
13. St. Louis Cardinals (86-76; Previous: 14) – Cards start camp answering questions about Berkman in right field, end camp answering questions about Berkman at plate (.182).
14. Detroit Tigers (81-81; Previous: 16) – Leyland in walk year. Or, more precisely, trudge year.
15. Milwaukee Brewers (77-85; Previous: 25) – Brewers take on Mitre and Morgan, earnestly collecting every 26th man in baseball.
17. Los Angeles Angels (80-82; Previous: 19) – The season hasn't started and already we've had Mickey Hatcher saying Mark Trumbo(notes) has Mark McGwire power and an anonymous scout saying Mike Stanton(notes) has Mark McGwire power, and just to avoid confusion shouldn't we find someone else to be the pinnacle of power?
19. Toronto Blue Jays (85-77; Previous: 15) – Homer-prone Jays can't help but giggle at other teams' baserunning drills.
21. Chicago Cubs (75-87; Previous: 21) – Silva announces he's not "an insurance player" or, for that matter, an insurance playa, like the Geico lizard.
22. Baltimore Orioles (66-96; Previous: 23) – Magazine article asks, "Is This Man Too Smart for Baseball?," then allows This Man to prove he's not.
23. Houston Astros (76-86; Previous: 17) – A Hall of Fame Yankees left-hander, a one-time Fireman of the Year with the Reds, the Red Sox's GM, the Padres' closer and the Astros' backup catcher: Ford-Hume-Theo-Bell-Towles. I really apologize for that.
24. San Diego Padres (90-72; Previous: 8) – Forbes says Padres led league in operating income in 2010, Moorad rolls down Bentley window to dispute report.
25. Washington Nationals (69-93; Previous: 26) – Obama will not attend the Nats' opener despite club's promise to enforce no-fly-ball zone.
26. Cleveland Indians (69-83; Previous: 27) – Acta names Ricky Vaughn closer, follows up announcement: "Winning!"
27. Arizona Diamondbacks (65-97; Previous: 28) – Gibson bans toys from clubhouse, thinks maybe Towers should start wearing socks, too.
28. Seattle Mariners (61-101; Previous: 29) – Mâs third base coach carries the nickname "Polar Bear." It should be noted that according to Wikipedia, "Adult polar bears live solitary lives."
29. Kansas City Royals (67-95; Previous: 24) – Treanor traded from Rangers to Royals, first guy to get Misty before going to Kansas City.
30. Pittsburgh Pirates (57-105; Previous: 30) – Pirates haven't won in a very long time. Or, as Pittsburgh denizens now call it, "a Coonelly's age."