Power Rankings: Red Sox rock the hardest

Tim Brown

Another tumultuous week for the top 10, another scrum of suspect pitching and identity discovering after that, and the same old sludge at the bottom.

It leaves us with our third No. 1 team in three weeks – congrats to Tito, Papi and the boys – and the same anchor at No. 30.

The Red Sox had lost once since tax day, so they moved past the Dodgers, who clearly got fat and happy on their No. 1 ranking and recently lost series in Houston and San Francisco.

Week 5:


1. Boston Red Sox (14-8; Previous: 2) – John Henry pens next love letter to Bud Selig, thanks him for getting him out of that black hole in Florida and, yes, mentions that weird rainbow thing again.

Los Angeles

2. Los Angeles Dodgers (15-8; Previous: 1) – Team creates a real Mannywood, which is not to be confused with Dodgertown, which was – is – a real place, but is now a fictional place made up by the marketing department, sort of like Red Sox Nation, Yankees Universe and Mayberry.


3. Toronto Blue Jays (15-9; Previous: 4) – Jays lead continent in scoring, bringing this observation from lefty Brian Tallet: "All we have to do as pitchers is keep it within a touchdown." Doesn't say if that includes CFL convert or not.

St. Louis

4. St. Louis Cardinals (16-7; Previous: 5) – Tony La Russa calls Albert Pujols a "perfect player," lists five tools plus two more: makes a flavorful Spanish omelet and is an expert spot welder.


5. Chicago Cubs (10-11; Previous: 3) – On same day Z comes within triple of cycle, Milton Bradley coincidentally snaps at three of four beat writers, vows to get Tribune guy next.


6. Florida Marlins (14-8; Previous: 6) – Fish lose seven in a row. Hanley Ramirez hand swollen. Emilio Bonifacio and Dan Uggla slump. Cody Ross is forced to pitch an inning. On the bright side, Dontrelle Willis is still pitching for someone else.


7. Philadelphia Phillies (11-9; Previous: 9) – J.C. Romero, turns out, consults with GNC sales clerks on standards of MLB drug policy. Also has them prepare his tax returns and once had Employee of the Month remove his appendix.

New York

8. New York Yankees (12-10; Previous: 8) – Club president Randy Levine puffs up, takes on MLS commish, thinks of it as an undercard to a real fight: those mouthy girl scouts.

Tampa Bay

9. Tampa Bay Rays (9-14; Previous: 7) – Not a lot is going right for the Rays, who even got the colder of two Uptons.

Los Angeles

10. Los Angeles Angels (9-12; Previous: 11) – The Angels are running out of pitchers, think if it keeps going like this they'll have no choice but to sign a couple GNC sales clerks for depth.


11. Minnesota Twins (11-11; Previous: 13) – Joe Mauer is due back Friday, opposing base stealers (21 for 22 so far) light candles.

New York

12. New York Mets (9-12; Previous: 10) – Darryl Strawberry claims to have bedded as many as 5,000 women, raising the question: Straw, um, why the hooker?


13. Chicago White Sox (11-10; Previous: 12) – This made perfect sense to Ozzie, by the way: "When you make me mad, I do stupid things. And I'm willing to do a stupid thing."

Kansas City

14. Kansas City Royals (12-10; Previous: 15) – Zack Greinke fever grips K.C. Also request you cover mouth when coughing or sneezing, stay home from work if ill, and do your best to get the ball to Joakim Soria.


15. Seattle Mariners (13-9; Previous: 18) – City feels slighted; so far only place where A-Rod didn't allegedly take steroids. What, our Boli isn't good enough for you?


16. Milwaukee Brewers (12-10; Previous: 24) – Yovani Gallardo pulls Brewers over .500, will bat sixth and play right field between starts, drag field pre- and post-game, type up game notes in spare time.


17. Atlanta Braves (10-11; Previous: 17) – Brian McCann says he's found the proper prescription for contact lenses, now is spending less time in wrong dugout.


18. Oakland Athletics (8-11; Previous: 16) – Jason Giambi hits baseball over outfield fence, fails to realize significance, apologizes for losing game ball.


19. Cleveland Indians (8-14; Previous: 14) – Indians for three weeks seem to find every way to lose, now find Van Every way to lose.

San Diego

20. San Diego Padres (11-11; Previous: 19) – Adrian Gonzalez leads the NL in home runs, league officials wonder if configuration of Yankee Stadium has created continental jet stream.


21. Arizona Diamondbacks (9-13; Previous: 20) – Prison football teams play more road games than the D'backs, who don't hit in their yard, either.


22. Texas Rangers (10-11; Previous: 25) – Nolan Ryan bans pitch counts, also replaces bandages with handfuls of dirt and in amateur draft will lean toward guys with particularly grim facial scars.


23. Pittsburgh Pirates (11-10; Previous: 21) – Bucs lose 18 in a row in Milwaukee, worst streak in that town since Lenny and Squiggy were hustling chicks at the drive-thru.


24. Cincinnati Reds (11-10; Previous: 22) – The Reds are like that deli you used to go to, where the sandwiches were OK, but you just fell out of the habit of going. There's a new guy at third base (Rosales) and they're winning as often as they lose, but few in Cincy believe it.


25. Detroit Tigers (11-10; Previous: 23) – Alarm sounds in the eighth inning of a Yankees-Tigers game at Comerica Park. During delay, Jim Leyland is relieved to find out his bullpen had not actually caught fire again.

San Francisco

26. San Francisco Giants (10-10; Previous: 29) – Bengie Molina triples against the Dodgers, who do logical thing and appeal at second base, assuming he'd run straight across the diamond.


27. Houston Astros (9-13; Previous: 26) – The sage Puma on his struggles at plate: "It stinks to stink." Awaiting opinion on ballclub.


28. Colorado Rockies (8-12; Previous: 27) – Rockies apparently will try to hit their way out of the West; in other news, Todd Helton hits his first home run at Coors Field since June.


29. Baltimore Orioles (9-13; Previous: 28) – Ryan Freel says he wants out of Baltimore. The team is pleased he spoke up, had forgotten he (and his .133 average) was around.


30. Washington Nationals (5-16; Previous: 30) – Stephen Strasburg throws 250 pitches over consecutive starts, Nats consider throwing him in back of van, making a run for it.