Power Rankings: Phillies still hitting lead-off

Tim Brown

You know, if power rankings were so easy, everyone would do them.

Oh, wait…

The rankings (Records through Wednesday’s games):


1. Philadelphia Phillies (86-46; Previous: 1) – Moyer seeks comeback at age 49. Also seeks TV remote, reading glasses, car keys…


2. Boston Red Sox (83-52; Previous: 3) – Average Yanks-Sox game takes so long cricket fans find it ridiculous.

New York

3. New York Yankees (81-53; Previous: 2) – Derek and Minka call it quits. For professional reasons, she’d refused to legally change her name to Mrs. November.


4. Milwaukee Brewers (81-56; Previous: 4) – Brewers so far out in front of Cardinals the Arch looks like a croquet wicket.


5. Atlanta Braves (80-55; Previous: 6) – Division series could have Braves playing in former home. Gosh, the place seemed so much bigger 45 years ago.


6. Texas Rangers (77-60; Previous: 5) – Ryan takes long, hard look at Berkman before deadline. Berkman wonders who creepy old guy is.


7. Arizona Diamondbacks (78-59; Previous: 7) – Looks like Gibson will lead D'backs into playoffs, if by “lead” means “from behind with a glowing cattle prod.”

Tampa Bay

8. Tampa Bay Rays (74-61; Previous: 8) – Reliever Cobb has rib removed, takes it home in jar, can’t decide between sides: slaw or corn bread?


9. Detroit Tigers (75-61; Previous: 9) – Best things about Santiago: Gets big hits, solid defender, can fit him in your pocket.

Los Angeles

10. Los Angeles Angels (73-63; Previous: 11) – In Seattle series, Trout hits two home runs one night, Carp has game-winner the next. Unable to recall specifics of high school biology class, Wedge pitches around Conger in finale.

San Francisco

11. San Francisco Giants (72-65; Previous: 10) – Employee allegedly steals millions from Giants. Zito questioned and released.

St. Louis

12. St. Louis Cardinals (72-64; Previous: 12) – Trainer tries to lure moth from Holliday’s ear with bright light. Moth stayed put, but La Russa shrieked and ran for coffin.


13. Chicago White Sox (68-66; Previous: 15) – Looks like this is the end for Ozzie and Kenny. Both kind of have their eye on Minka anyway.


14. Cleveland Indians (68-65; Previous: 14) – Bugs return to Progressive Field, erroneously heard that Nats were in town.


15. Toronto Blue Jays (68-68; Previous: 13) – Man in White Shirt says it was all a big misunderstanding, was trying to start the wave.


16. Cincinnati Reds (67-69; Previous: 16) – Hoping to recreate last year’s playoff feel for fans, Reds get crushed by Phillies.

Los Angeles

17. Los Angeles Dodgers (65-70; Previous: 22) – Dodgers should have interest in Yu Darvish, but Frank McCourt is more of a “Me” guy.

New York

18. New York Mets (65-69; Previous: 17) – Einhorn backs out of deal, apparently Mets’ front office lacks closer, too.


19. Colorado Rockies (64-73; Previous: 21) – Rockies first in league in home scoring, last in league in home pitching, check circuit breaker on humidor.


20. Washington Nationals (63-71; Previous: 18) – Strasburg to go Tuesday in D.C., Nats PR bars reporters, television coverage, fans, closes air space over ballpark.


21. Pittsburgh Pirates (62-74; Previous: 19) – Bucs raise ticket prices, call it the price of being non-competitive.


22. Florida Marlins (60-75; Previous: 20) – Marlins apparently have finest minor-league coaches in business: LoMo sent down because he can’t hit in big leagues, returns 10 days later as 3-hole hitter.

San Diego

23. San Diego Padres (60-77; Previous: 23) – If Chargers go to L.A., Padres ask if they can tag along.


24. Oakland A's (60-76; Previous: 25) – A’s allow three grand slams in same game. Regret the runs, but love the pitch efficiency.


25. Chicago Cubs (59-78; Previous: 24) – Ricketts, in search of new GM, gets private screening of “Moneyball” movie.


26. Seattle Mariners (58-77; Previous: 27) – Wily Mo Pena(notes) last week drew a walk, which was widely celebrated until the cardboard cutout refused to take first base.

Kansas City

27. Kansas City Royals (57-79; Previous: 28) – Soria bobblehead springs not up and down, but front to back.


28. Minnesota Twins (57-79; Previous: 26) – Philosophical question: If Mauer is so soft, how come every time he falls he breaks?


29. Baltimore Orioles (54-80; Previous: 29) – Andy MacBail.


30. Houston Astros (47-90; Previous: 30) – Proof that the season has been a rollercoaster: Jose Altuve(notes) not allowed to ride.

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