Power Rankings: Nationals move ahead of Yankees to No. 1, teens across America rejoice

Jeff Passan

What an honor it is to take the reins of Tim Brown's column for one week. Commence the vandalism of this pristine space.

The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):


1. Washington Nationals (68-43; Previous: 3) – Bryce Harper, feeling territorial, posts Facebook status: "Stay away, Machado. All the under-21 clubs are my turf!"


2. Texas Rangers (65-45; Previous: 2) – Roy Oswalt angry about losing rotation spot, lack of wild game to shoot in clubhouse.

[Related: Roy Oswalt doesn't seem long for Texas]

New York

3. New York Yankees (64-46; Previous: 1) – Eric Chavez gives hopes to desiccated corpses everywhere by ranking second on the Yankees in OPS.


4. Cincinnati Reds (66-45; Previous: 4) – When not rehabbing, Joey Votto sits in corner, pouts, whittles bat into shiv, mumbles, "So much for them not needing me."


5. Atlanta Braves (64-47; Previous: 8) – The proud, the few: The people whose entries in Ben Sheets injury pools remain alive.

San Francisco

6. San Francisco Giants (61-50; Previous: 5) – To find his mojo, Tim Lincecum starts growing beard like Brian Wilson, shaves immediately when urge to wear Affliction T-shirts and drown self in Axe Body Spray won't relent.


7. Pittsburgh Pirates (63-47; Previous: 6) – Curious if Andrew McCutchen is a machine, Pirates ownership asks for clone. Blank look only creates more confusion.


8. Oakland Athletics (60-51; Previous: 9) – A's prove age-old adage: If you win in a decrepit football-only stadium with a fan base turned apathetic by a commissioner's indecision and an owner's dislike of the city, they won't come.

[Related: Steve Henson: A's move to San Jose still blocked by Giant obstacle]


9. Detroit Tigers (60-51; Previous: 10) – Tigers ruing not calling tradesy-backsies on Anibal Sanchez-Jacob Turner deal.


10. Chicago White Sox (60-50; Previous: 11) – AL pitchers giddy at A.J. Pierzynski's offensive resurgence. Gives them actual reason to throw at him.

St. Louis

11. St. Louis Cardinals (60-51; Previous: 15) – Cardinals file formal appeal to MLB for playoff spots to be based on run differential. Pythagoras applauds from heaven.


12. Baltimore Orioles (60-51; Previous: 14) – O's dub left field Mannywood. Idea fails when club realizes no one sits in left field anymore.

Los Angeles

13. Los Angeles Angels (59-53; Previous: 7) – Arte Moreno considers lowering beer prices even more, hopeful drunk fans forget A's are ahead of Angels in standings.

Los Angeles

14. Los Angeles Dodgers (60-52; Previous: 12) – Upon Hanley Ramirez's return to Miami, Ned Colletti gets round of applause.

Tampa Bay

15. Tampa Bay Rays (58-52; Previous: 13) – Evan Longoria says "I'm not the savior" as he sips wine from a water bottle.


16. Arizona Diamondbacks (56-55; Previous: 16) – Chris Johnson slugs .794 in for nine games for Dbacks, credits being surrounded by actual major league players.


17. Boston Red Sox (55-57; Previous: 18) – Bobby Valentine tries to curry favor in clubhouse by bringing in trays of his famous wraps. Players mutiny, chant for chicken and beer.


18. Toronto Blue Jays 53-57; Previous: 19) – Opponents to socialized medicine point to Blue Jays' disabled list as proof system doesn't work.

New York

19. New York Mets (53-58; Previous: 20) – Club refuses to eat Jason Bay contract, instead forces him to eat it. Bay heads to DL with throat contusions.


20. Philadelphia Phillies (50-61; Previous: 21) – Trying to shed salary for next year, Ruben Amaro Jr. places Phanatic on waivers. Dodgers claim him, of course.


21. Milwaukee Brewers (51-59; Previous: 24) – Ryan Braun, great season going for naught, enlists lawyers to seek repercussions.


22. Seattle Mariners (51-62; Previous: 23) – Kyle Seager likeliest candidate to be first player to lead M's in hits post-Ichiro. Pete Seeger and Bob Seger lament his superfluous A.


23. Miami Marlins (51-60; Previous: 22) – President David Samson claims: "We have to retool." Miamians suggest he drops the "re," changes "We have to" to "I am a."


24. Minnesota Twins (49-62; Previous: 28) – Twins management chides Glen Perkins for striking out too many hitters, says it's not Minnesota nice.


25. Cleveland Indians (51-60; Previous: 17) – Indians break 11-game losing streak, thank Minnesota and Kansas City for being even worse.

San Diego

26. San Diego Padres (49-64; Previous: 25) – Frightened that Yonder Alonso has a higher OPS at Petco Park than on the road, Padres management requests an MRI.

Kansas City

27. Kansas City Royals (47-63; Previous: 27) – Royals, aiming to change culture, take entire team to see "Total Recall," pray for osmosis-by-movie.


28. Chicago Cubs (43-66; Previous: 26) – The Theo Epstein Era isn't quite yet in full force. Cubs need a few more bloated, untradeable contracts.

[Related: Steve Henson: Rockies try another gimmick to help pitching and again fail]


29. Colorado Rockies (40-69; Previous: 29) – Documents reveal Project 5,183 named for the number of runs Rockies pitchers expected to allow this season.


30. Houston Astros (36-76; Previous: 30) – Randy Travis, needing inspiration for new record, tries to spend a day feeling like an Astro. Ends up looking like this.

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