If the Clemens trial goes any longer, they should credit Roger for one more complete game. But maybe not a shutout.
The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):
1. Washington Nationals (38-23; Previous: 3) – Displeased with inappropriate question put to rookie Bryce Harper, entire Nats team gets huffy, returns to hotel in its single tiny car.
2. Los Angeles Dodgers (40-24; Previous: 2) – Tommy Lasorda heart attack is "mild" according to those who didn't suffer it.
3. New York Yankees (37-25; Previous: 12) – Doctor rolls eyes, tells Mark Teixeira again that no matter how often he coughs, hernia portion of exam is over.
4. Texas Rangers (37-26; Previous: 1) – Rangers' starters third in the league in ERA, but first in MRI.
5. Tampa Bay Rays (35-27; Previous: 4) – Ozzie Guillen offers to throw in "a couple million" for new Rays ballpark. Rays appreciate it, ask if they couldn't have Giancarlo Stanton instead.
6. San Francisco Giants (36-27; Previous: 11) – Apparently, Tim Lincecum's ERA on same diet as Pablo Sandoval.
7. Baltimore Orioles (36-26; Previous: 8) – First pick Kevin Gausman reveals he eats powdered donuts between innings of his starts. Guessing his favorite pitcher growing up was David Wells.
8. Chicago White Sox (34-28; Previous: 6) – Commissioner advises Hawk Harrelson that all subsequent rants should be limited to manager's office, where they're considered "feisty" and "colorful."
9. Cincinnati Reds (34-27; Previous: 7) – Dusty Baker attempts six-out save by Aroldis Chapman. Next option, make Chapman a starter and begin games at 10:15 p.m.
10. Los Angeles Angels (34-30; Previous: 15) – Mike Scioscia honored with bobblehead at Dodger Stadium, calls it the "soup de jour" of his time there, requests soda crackers.
11. Atlanta Braves (34-29; Previous: 14) – Imposter crashes Braves' alumni weekend. Also, apparently, catches and bats third.
12. Pittsburgh Pirates (32-29; Previous: 20) – Pirates draft Mark Appel, resist temptation of forbidden over-slot bonus.
13. Cleveland Indians (32-29; Previous: 10) – Derek Lowe heaves cooler while getting knocked around against Tigers. Prince Fielder hits it for stand-up double.
14. New York Mets (34-29; Previous: 9) – New Rule: Every ballclub must have a Libertarian, atheist (fine, apatheist), acerbic/enlightened, pot-smoking, hot-tubbing, Palin-hating part-owner. The Mets should have two.
14. Miami Marlins (32-31; Previous: 5) – Ozzie Guillen has been off Twitter for nearly a month. Can remove patch after six weeks, or whenever shakes subside.
16. Toronto Blue Jays (31-32; Previous: 16) – Local TV reporter saddened by Bryce Harper's "Clown question, bro" response, didn't go through four years of circus school to take this kind of abuse.
17. St. Louis Cardinals (32-31; Previous: 13) – Mets sell "reprints" of game tickets from Johan Santana no-hitter over Cardinals, apparently so people can pretend they were there. Third-base umpire Adrian Johnson buys two.
18. Arizona Diamondbacks (30-32; Previous: 21) – Kirk Gibson picks up Bob Melvin from airport when struggling A's come to town. Sent limo for rest of team.
19. Boston Red Sox (31-32; Previous: 17) – Bobby V says watching Stephen Strasburg pitch at Fenway is like "looking at a rainbow," prompting new Sabermetric stat that measures Romantic Optimization Yearning for Gifted Ballplayer In Visitation: ROYGBIV.
20. Detroit Tigers (29-33; Previous: 19) – Jose Valverde denies throwing spitter, explains he was simply sweating heavily. Out of his mouth.
21. Philadelphia Phillies (30-34; Previous: 18) – Charlie Manuel had swagger once. Wife made him stop.
22. Milwaukee Brewers (28-34; Previous: 24) – So, anybody have a lead yet on the Tony Plush kidnapping?
23. Oakland Athletics (28-35; Previous: 23) – A's weigh the benefits of Manny Being Mini.
24. Minnesota Twins (25-36; Previous: 28) – Twins win two of three against Cubs, knew they had this kind of run in them.
25. Seattle Mariners (27-37; Previous: 25) – Confusion reigns in publicity photos for Seattle Six when no one can remember what order they pitched in. Or which six it was.
26. Houston Astros (26-36; Previous: 22) – Marketing department rethinks promotional Jose Altuve growth chart give-away.
27. Kansas City Royals (26-34; Previous: 26) – Zack Greinke returns to KC, catches up with old pals, like, uh, Buddy and That Guy and Dude.
28. Colorado Rockies (24-37; Previous: 27) – Poor clubbie can't get any work done, what with all the pitchers asking him to go check again that the humidor really is running.
29. Chicago Cubs (21-41; Previous: 29) – Folks on North Side shocked when team fires hitting coach. Had no idea Cubs had one.
30. San Diego Padres (22-41; Previous: 30) – Good job! Good, oh, never mind …
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