Since brevity is a word that doesn't exist in the Noise's vocabulary, your comments, questions and vitriolic derision will run separately from Thursday's flames/lames column for the remainder of the season. Bring the noise, fools!
My question is actually just more of a comment. All signs pointed to Steve Slaton having a monster day Sunday and you bucked it for no real reason. It wasn't a surprise when he slammed an Indy D he had already ravaged earlier in the season. Especially with comments like "He's got his legs back" from the coach of the Texans. So why advise against starting him until the bloody end? Saying Ryan Grant would be a bust against Chicago only to find out he would have a phenomenal week wouldn't even be worth discussing because who knew, right? But this was an obvious call and you blew it. Maybe you should spend less time thinking of catchy rhymes for your man crushes and more time researching the game. Just saying.– Rob, Tuscon, Ariz.
Noise: Rob since you're so fond of the Noise's "catchy rhymes," here's a very Shakespearian couplet that should shed some light on the Slaton misfire:
This was only an "obvious call" at 11:40 AM CT Sunday when Sanders was surprisingly scratched, not any time before. At that point, my "Fantasy Football Live" colleague Chris Liss reported the information and I followed with analysis on how it was a "game-changer" and that Slaton "needs to be started in all leagues." Against the Sanders-less Colts in Week 5 he totaled 96 yards and two scores, a fact which was also noted.
Most novice football fans would never believe a squatty 5-foot-8, 206-pound safety could dramatically disrupt any team's running game, but Sanders collapses quickly on the ball. When he was healthy in Weeks 9 and 10, Indy held Pats and Steelers backs to just 3.5 yards per carry. Even though Tony Dungy's club had yielded the 12th-most fantasy points to RBs entering the week, news of Slaton hitting the "rookie wall" and Sanders' anticipated impact made what appeared to be a strong paper matchup somewhat misleading. My well-researched prediction was explained in last week's Noise.
Look, the Noise routinely dreams of slithering around in a kiddy pool full of cherry Jell-O with Slaton. Remember, he was an All-Mancrush selection back in August and a hyperbolic feature was penned about him in Week 5. Rarely do I write anything negative about the guy unless the matchup is very unfavorable.
Based on his juicy upcoming matchups, save Tennessee (Week 15) and Chicago (Week 17), the "Slasher" should scissor his way to top-10 FPPG totals down the homestretch. The four flimsy defenses he's slated to face (at Cle, Jac, at GB, at Oak) have surrendered 4.7 yards per carry, 161 total yards and 1.2 touchdowns per game to rushers.
Gotta love how you claim to be "puffing on a fine cigar" over your pick of Steve Smith. Last time I checked your record does not give you credit to do anything resembling puffing on a cigar. The Yahoo! users challenging you are doing just as good as you are. That says something … you aren't even above average.– Steve, Boulder, Col.
Noise: Funny, IQ tests and the female species don't believe I'm above average either – in any category. Anyone who works or pretends to work in a field which requires one to predict the unpredictable will inevitably produce marginal results.
To clarify the cigar line, when that glowing self-endorsement was scribbled the Noise was actually wearing a plastic monocle, sipping on a flask filled with Mad Dog 20/20 and puffing/chewing a "fine" Backwoods. The loosely rolled product not only resonates with the Clint Eastwood crowd (a Y! Sports target audience), they're cheap. Its manufacturers should really market it as the "economically friendly cigar for these tough financial times."
The Gridiron Gandhi will have more than " Five on it" against Mitchell's loathsome Lions.
I have Michael Turner, Adrian Peterson and I just picked up Warrick Dunn. Unfortunately, I have Lions Tickets on Sunday for my dad's birthday. Should I stick with Turner or Peterson or should I watch Warrick Dunn run all over the Lions in person? Thanks man!– Mitchell, Grand Rapids, Mich.
Noise: Mitchell, why would you want to cause undo bodily harm to your father? Experiencing more than 60 minutes of Daunte Culpepper can lead to blindness, painful indigestion and, in severe cases, cardiac arrest. Instead, slip your dad a drink laced with Ambien and take him to the ultimate birthday destination, Chuck E. Cheese. When he wakes up to the melodic sounds of robotic animals covering Elvis songs, he'll surely exude a contented smile, an expression he'll never have at a Lions game.
Obviously the Purple Jesus is impossible to bench, but because the Burner has been extinguished by superior defenses this season, he is pine material. Week 4 in Carolina, Turner rushed for only 56 yards on 18 carries. Since Week 7, the Panthers have conceded just 3.9 yards per carry, 74.2 rushing yards per game and two scores to backs, equal to the eighth-fewest fantasy points allowed.
Sure, Dunn will likely cede carries to B.J. Askew inside the five, which limits his fantasy scoring potential. But with Cadillac Williams still on blocks, he's the only back in Tampa capable of logging 20-plus touches. Since the Lions have surrendered 5.6 yards per carry, eight touchdowns and 180 total yards to backs over the past five weeks, the likelihood he could surpass 100 total yards is very high.
Listen, take your pops to Hockey Town before the game. Pound multiple beverages. Listen to a little Kid Rock. Then walk over to Ford Field and watch the Gridiron Gandhi embarrass your Lions. Hey, you'll need something to root for.
You've got to be kidding, Peyton Hillis? Yeah, he'll be the best white RB in the NFL since … Gil Fenerty!– Patrick, Dallas, Tex.
Noise: Patrick, aren't you forgetting the greatness that was Nick Goings? If we're talking about Toronto Argonauts football, "Gill the Thrill" was everything his nickname implies, but during his tenure with the New Orleans Saints in the early 90s he was very unexciting. Goings' seven-game end-season run in 2004 was magical. However, Goings can't touch the Noise's powdered-love for another Fenerty-era back, Brad Muster. No man in America may have a larger Muster football card collection.
When given opportunities, Hillis showed last week he's a rolling Macadamia nut. The converted fullback impressively found the end-zone twice. His first score, a 7-yard, hat-tossing up-the-gut dive, is symbolic of his gristle, tenacity and toughness.
Poke fun at the rookie all you want, but he's the most attractive fantasy option currently in the Broncos backfield. He should be particularly useful down the road against Oakland, K.C., Buffalo and at San Diego. Even with 12-15 touches per contest he has the potential to tally roughly 60-80 total yards per game and 3-6 touchdowns over the remainder of the season. Hillis is so intriguing; he's the feature story in tomorrow's Noise.
Pack it up, pack it in … Keller's poised to " Jump Around" this week in Nashville.
Hey Yo Evans, if you want to improve your breakdown of pickups, here's what you do: ace that stiff Keller. He's not going to have any effect versus Tennessee. Keller is bust from here until end of season with the exception of the Denver game – and that's not even during a fantasy playoff week. If you want a Jet this week, and I don't know why you would, dig up that random TD generator Chansi Stuckey. If you want a TE for the rest of the season – use Mercedes Lewis to get you into the playoffs; then sucker punch your league with Alex Smith in the playoffs. Assuming someone has a team that needs to juggle TEs and is still in the playoff mix. It's analysis like Keller that makes you an average team owner and finish near the bottom of all your Y! writers leagues. Step your game up man – you're disgracing the term "expert."– Nick, Boston, Mass.
Noise: Nick, as someone who verbally berates the Noise on a near weekly basis during the baseball season you should know I tarnished the "expert" label years ago. Exhibit A: Rich Hill.
However, your lack of appreciation for Keller is, well, blind. The kid is an incredibly gifted athlete who has finally found his comfort zone in Mangenious' classic pro-set offense. Brett Favre's growing infatuation for the rookie has established a profitable bond. Over the past two weeks, he's totaled 16 targets, 14 receptions, 194 yards and a score.
To say he's "not going to have any effect versus Tennessee" proves you're a shortsighted Belichick-slobbering buffoon. Because the Titans have played so marvelously against wideouts, offenses with viable tight ends have assaulted them with above-average success between the hashmarks. Over the past five weeks, Tennessee has allowed 5.4 receptions, 60.4 yards per game and two touchdowns to TEs, equal to the seventh-most fantasy points allowed.
Your Shanahan tactical suggestion of "juggling" tight ends is a philosophy many fantasy owners would never subscribe to. Why not also recommend Mark Chmura, Mark Bavaro and Ozzie Newsome in your streaming strategy? I guarantee the vast majority of playoff-minded owners are yearning for consistency at tight end. Outside of Tony Gonzalez, Owen Daniels and Antonio Gates, the position has been overwhelmingly volatile. Yes, subtracting Keller's very favorable tussles with Denver (Week 13) and Seattle (Week 16), he definitely has a difficult road to hoe. San Francisco, Buffalo and Miami all rank in the top-10 in fewest fantasy points allowed to tight ends. But his stark route-running improvements and Favre's trust in him implies he could conquer even the toughest of matchups en route to top-10 numbers.
When are you guys going to stop blowing sunshine up Tim Hightower's butt? Your buddy Funston loves him some Hightower and his 3.1 YPC. He won't be a star in this league with numbers like that. He likely won't be starting long either.– Cameron, Columbia, S.C.
Noise: Cameron, the Noise's esteemed colleague, Count Chocula, doesn't blow sunshine up the butts of fawned over rookies, he softly puffs moon dust and ghoulish marshmallows up their nostrils.
It's possible you're brain is still slowly recovering from the smack-down your beloved Gamecocks suffered from Erin Andrews-U, but Funbags wrote a rather lengthy anti-Hightower rant in this week's Skinny. Most of the fantasy community, me included, was misguided by Hightower's allure. We grossly overestimated his impact.
Kurt Warner's amazing ability to dissect defenses with surgical precision has handicapped the rookie's fantasy value. Until defenses can somehow ground the Cardinals vertically, which is very unlikely to happen, Hightower should be considered nothing more than a matchup-exclusive Flex option. Honestly, it wouldn't be a shock if J.J. Arrington, who appears to be 'Zona's new goal-line gremlin, outscores him the rest of the way.
Glancing at Arizona's upcoming slate, Hightower should only be inserted into 12-team lineups Week 14 versus St. Louis, the same team he gashed for 109 rushing yards and a score three weeks ago. This week against the very stingy G-Men, who have limited plowshares to 3.1 yards per carry in their past five games, he's barely RB top-30 material.
Noise, you verbose slut. Normally I can forgive the length of your ramblings because the payoff in laughter is worth it, but I found it hard to get past the obscene abuse of statistics with which you described Larry Johnson. You had the audacity to state his average statistics over the first five weeks of the season. How dare you, sir? How dare you? LJ had one average week, one great week, one colossal statistical explosion, and two colon-clearing bombs. To even discuss his average is an insult to his owners. He might play well this week, and he might suck. But don't build your argument on the premise of what he was averaging when the year began. As it turns out, there are four types of lies: lies, damned lies, statistics, and the crap you just pushed out into the world of Fantasy Football. Shame on you.– Adam, Chesterton, Ind.
Noise: Adam, how did you know the Noise is easily aroused by multisyllabic words? Uttering "Houshmandzadeh" in my presence sends me to an alternate universe filled with PPR pleasures.
Your Keith Olberman-inspired tirade is spot on. LJ may very well have a future as a Colon Blow spokesperson. When not pretending to be a human water fountain, his rollercoaster ride of boom/bust performances has been maddening for his owners. However, saying I used his early-season averages as an argument baseline is unfounded. The numbers were included solely as a reminder to absentminded owners who may have forgotten what he accomplished (or didn't) when out of the dog house. As a jaded LJ owner, I understand your plight.
Other than repeated stuffs at the goal-line, Johnson performed admirably last week versus New Orleans. After missing four games, compiling 87 total yards is commendable. Against Buffalo, look for Grand-ma-ma to apply the Super Poly Grip and bulldoze a Bills front line that has yielded 130.4 total yards per game to backs over the past five weeks and seven touchdowns to rushers in five road contests this year. Similar yardage totals with 1-2 scores are a strong possibility.