New Year's resolutions for Mike Trout, A-Rod, Marlins' owner and others in MLB

Jeff Passan
Yahoo! Sports

Using a vast network of sources, Yahoo! Sports has uncovered a compendium of New Year's resolutions throughout the baseball world. As is the case with most resolutions, they will be broken. Still, we are proud to bring you unparalleled insight into the minds of ballclubs, players, managers, executives, media members and other luminaries throughout the game.

Here is our New Year's gift to you.

Mike Trout resolves to become a conscientious objector, convinced that's the only way to ingratiate himself with an MVP voting bloc that hates WAR.

Alex Rodriguez resolves to stop blaming Carly Rae Jepsen for his phone number-slipping antics after getting pinch hit for in the ALCS. It's an infectious song, all right?

Derek Jeter resolves to take a vow of celibacy, because adding to the greatest dating résumé in modern American history while a teammate swings and misses with an unknown model in the stands after the most emasculating moment of his storied career would be running up the score.

On second thought, Derek Jeter resolves to continue giving away signed balls to conquests like there's no tomorrow.

Joe Girardi resolves to come clean: His binder is actually full of women.

[Related: Yankee Stadium aglow in the snow]

Hideki Matsui resolves to sort his 55,000-strong collection of porn videos using the Dewey Decimal System.

Stephen Strasburg resolves to pitch 200 innings.

Mike Rizzo resolves to stop him at 199 2/3 BECAUSE HE SAYS SO, GOT THAT?

Brian Wilson resolves to stop being a slumlord and treat the varying creatures, varmints, parasites and fauna inside his beard with dignity, respect and central air.

The Atlanta Braves resolve to top the Washington Redskins and Cleveland Indians for sports' most hideous symbol, do so unanimously on the strength of batting-practice cap.

Jeffrey Loria resolves to stop lying to the public.

Actually, that's a lie, too. Jeffrey Loria resolves to remain a money-thieving, franchise-murdering, politician-swindling, fire-selling, over-involved, sad excuse for an owner of a major league team.

Giancarlo Stanton resolves not to cry nightly.

Fred Wilpon resolves to continue living his oxymoronic existence as the impoverished owner in a sport that prints money.

R.A. Dickey resolves to criticize only the food at the next team Christmas party.

The Los Angeles Dodgers resolve to curb their spending after giving four-year, $18 million extension to a beer vendor.

Ned Colletti resolves to be sexier.

Zack Greinke resolves to help.

Arte Moreno resolves to stop acting like he's jealous of the Dodgers, starts signing emails "Magic Moreno" and insisting people call him "Arte Baseball."

Big League Stew's Dave Brown resolves to visit the eye doctor after naming Brian Cashman baseball's fourth-sexiest GM.

Hawk Harrelson resolves to leave umpires alone, seeing as they're better at their jobs than he is at his.

Roger Clemens resolves to stop frosting his tips. Oh, hell, who are we kidding? No he doesn't. Frost away, Roger! Frost like old-school Timberlake, you silly old man!

Torii Hunter resolves to think about what it must be like for somebody to discriminate against you because of something over which you have no control.

Torii Hunter resolves, too, to understand what irony means.

Bryce Harper resolves to be more empathetic, enrolls in Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College to better understand what might compel someone to ask a clown question.

The Houston Astros resolve to make you yearn for relegation.

Josh Hamilton resolves to tell you how he's going to finally quit chewing tobacco in 2013. Just let him pull that racquetball-sized dip out of his cheek first.

Barry Bonds resolves to continue the acceptable kind of cycling.

John Sterling resolves to come up with a clever home run call for Kevin Youkilis, fails to do so, settles on "Youk can kiss that one good-bye."

Brandon McCarthy resolves to change either his driver's license or his sex.

Hall of Fame voters resolve to answer the toughest question of all: What the hell is Royce Clayton doing on the ballot?

Bud Selig resolves to finally admit the truth after all these years: He's really a CIA spook, and every time he touches his hand to his right ear, a dictator dies. You don't want to know what happens when he touches his left ear.

Adrian Gonzalez resolves to get rid of his unlimited texting plan.

Miguel Cabrera resolves to stop insisting Brennan Boesch refer to him as "my lord" and forcing him to wear a jester's hat when he refuses.

Jose Valverde resolves to drop his Papa Grande (Big Potato) nickname after a down season but keep root vegetables as a point of emphasis. Settles on Apionabo Pequeño (Little Celery Root).

Kyle Stark resolves to turn the Pittsburgh Pirates' development system upside down. Instead of modeling themselves after Hell's Angels and adopting the slogan "Hoka hey!", Stark tells prospects to embrace Rastafarianism and "Smoke a J."

Tim Lincecum resolves to join the Pirates.

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