On the Marlins’ love for home, Elvis Andrus’ green streak and loyalty oaths in New York:
The rankings (records through Wednesday):
1. Detroit Tigers (20-9; Previous: 7) – The Tigers must say, the Astros are really, really adorable.
2. Milwaukee Brewers (22-13; Previous: 1) – Ryan Braun would really like to be your silly rabbit.
3. San Francisco Giants (21-13; Previous: 12) – Apparently Matt Cain was getting in some extra work on the cutter.
4. Oakland Athletics (20-15; Previous: 2) – A’s claim Buss, immediately cleared to use special lanes on Bay Bridge.
5. Colorado Rockies (22-14; Previous: 13) – More thrilling than Sharknado? Arenado!
6. Washington Nationals (19-15; Previous: 9) – C. Lee-Span way, way more interesting than C-SPAN.
7. Los Angeles Dodgers (19-16; Previous: 5) – Dodgers play longest games in majors. Much of the down time spent trying to get Yasiel Puig’s attention.
8. Atlanta Braves (18-15; Previous: 3) – Braves have been shut out five times or, as it is known, El Cinco Blanco by Mayo.
9. New York Yankees (18-15; Previous: 6) – Jersey guy Lawrence Blatterfein can’t open anti-Red Sox bar called “Buck Foston Roadhouse.” Settles for “Flatterbein’s Tavern.”
10. Miami Marlins (19-15; Previous: 23) – Marlins are best home team since J.D. Salinger.
11. Baltimore Orioles (17-14; Previous: 21) – Hardy declines to address contract talks back-and-forth. Happy to discuss Ping Pong game, however.
12. St. Louis Cardinals (18-17; Previous: 8) – Cards straining to keep up with Brewers, might have to start jettisoning excess weight. Looking at you, Fredbird.
13. Texas Rangers (17-17; Previous: 4) – Washington asks Andrus for more energy. Andrus reveals he’s a little concerned about his carbon footprint.
14. Boston Red Sox (17-17; Previous: 16) – Rivera chooses Pedroia over Cano, which angers Yankees fans who last week booed Cano, and now we all disappear into the worm hole.
15. Seattle Mariners (17-16; Previous: 27) – Yankee fans booing Cano for taking the money is like Charlie Sheen booing Justin Bieber for his life decisions.
16. Los Angeles Angels (16-17; Previous: 15) – Arte Moreno scouting sites in Irvine and Tustin for new stadium location. In either case, thinks he found a great place for press box in Fullerton.
17. Toronto Blue Jays (17-17; Previous: 11) – Dickey called upon to pinch-run, goes base to base on random, meandering path.
18. Tampa Bay Rays (15-19; Previous: 10) – Rays play for the benefit of a bobblehead in Boston, which might seem bad, but the Marlins have been doing that for years.
19. Cincinnati Reds (15-18; Previous: 20) – Saw where Billy Hamilton is learning when to steal bases. Apparently, “when he gets on base” is not the final answer.
20. Chicago White Sox (18-17; Previous: 25) – Jose Abreu first to be named outstanding AL player and rookie in first month. Also, developed some strong opinions about deep-dish pizza.
21. New York Mets (16-17; Previous: 22) – Fans unwilling to sign loyalty pledge think Wilpon probably understands their hesitance: plausible deniability.
22. Kansas City Royals (16-17; Previous: 14) – Game day means different things to different teams. For the Royals, it’s at least 27 opportunities to keep up with Abreu in home run race.
23. Minnesota Twins (15-17; Previous: 26) – Strange but kinda sweet: Minneapolis and St. Paul still dress alike.
24. Philadelphia Phillies (15-17; Previous: 24) – Sandberg gets trapped in Broad Street Run, proves season not a marathon, but a panicky sprint.
25. San Diego Padres (15-20; Previous: 19) – Padres so offensively inept they couldn’t hit the ocean if they fell out of their ballpark.
26. Cleveland Indians (15-19; Previous: 17) – Kottaras hits two home runs Sunday, is DFA’d on Tuesday. Monday was sort of non-descript.
27. Pittsburgh Pirates (14-20; Previous: 18) – “Talk Like A Pirate Day” apparently much more fun than “Pitch Like A Pirate Day.”
28. Arizona Diamondbacks (13-24; Previous: 30) – D-backs happy to turn calendar page. They have one of those year-by-year calendars.
29. Chicago Cubs (11-21; Previous: 28) – Renteria calls closer situation “fluid.” So’s water-boarding.
30. Houston Astros (10-24; Previous: 29) – Here we defer to Twitter account @astroscounty: “Astros jump from ‘Others Receiving Votes’ to 30th in this week’s MLB Power Rankings.”
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