Eulogy: Remembering the 2016-17 Calgary Flames

Puck Daddy

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we’re bound to lose some friends along the journey. We’ve asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is John Broadbent of the Anaheim Ducks blog Anaheim Calling, fondly recalling the Calgary Flames.)

(Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don’t take it so seriously.)

By John Broadbent

(This is short and sweet as the series was.)

Oh Calgary … well, that was embarrassing.

Don’t get me wrong, you had Ducks fans very worried for some parts of this series – but then you insisted on continuing to play Brian Elliott when it was clear he would much rather be floating down the Bow river with more than a few beers on nothing but a blow-up mattress.

(As an aside, I have done this and its way more fun than it sounds).

I realize you are a city passionate about a lot of things, one of those being country music, so it probably makes sense that you have never heard of The Queens of The Stone Age, but maybe it would have been best if you did not hire their lead singer to be your head coach.

Weirder still that you put that one bad guy from Batman Begins next to him so he could brood a lot.

If you had competent coaching then you might have had more of a game plan than:

  • Intentionally injure defenders

  • Complain to officials about lack of penalties called on Ducks

  • Get exorbitant amounts of power plays

  • Rinse, Repeat

What kind of coach allows his team to blow a three-goal lead in the playoffs?

Speaking of blow, perhaps it would have made more sense to let Theo Fleury come out of retirement and play in this series, as at least he would have shown up more than your current diminutive winger.

From the outset it was pretty obvious that Johnny Hockey already had plans in the offseason. Perhaps he landed the lead in an upcoming Star Wars film as an Ewok or maybe he just wanted to go back to being a kid.

On the subject of irritable children; Mathew Tkachuk spent the entire series looking like he had mad diaper rash while Sam Bennett couldn’t seem to stay on his feet. We all thought it a little strange when the Flames drafted a kid on a high-school team in the first round, but when your top six are acting like toddlers, I think that’s going a bit too far on the “youth movement.”

As strange as the fan chants were (serenading a goaltender who hasn’t allowed a goal yet?), I did enjoy that the obviously homeschooled “Kesler Sniffs Farts” guy got to attend his first game.

So Calgary – I am sorry, I really am. I am under no illusions that the Ducks will go much further in the playoffs, but I am grateful for the “warm up” that the Flames provided.

NHL EULOGIES 2017

Columbus Blue Jackets

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