There was the one-handed backhanded goal that will be rerun in perpetuity, playing out like his own Quicksilver scene from an X-MEN sequel, rearranging the Sabres defense in super-speed before slicing through them like hapless dupes.
There was the fact that he lost two teeth on a high-stick, so he can finally drink Tim Horton’s like a real Canadian.
Oh, yeah: There was also the tainted love he gave Ryan O’Reilly that dropped the Sabres player to the ice in pain:
We assume this was called “dirty pool” because Crosby hit someone else’s ball first.
Quite a back(end) check, although probably not one for the Selke highlight reel. Or the Lady Byng, for that matter.
This is neither the first nor the last time Sidney Crosby’s laid lumber to the undercarriage. First, because this is hockey, and hitting your opponent in vulnerable areas with your stick is something almost every player has done in their pro careers although they’ll swear up and down they’re the only guy in the league that doesn’t do that, like it’s diving or infidelity or something.
Second, because, well, Sidney Crosby has a storied history involving this type of thing.
Here’s a brief history of Sidney Crosby’s crotch shots:
Atlanta Thrashers (RIP), Dec. 2008
This was back in those days when Crosby, in his fourth season, was seen as an otherworldly talent with the propensity for whining. It was before the Stanley Cups and before the Vancouver Olympics. It was also before the Department of Player Safety, which meant Colin Campbell had his hand on the supplemental discipline gavel.
At the time of this incident,in which Crosby snuck behind defenseman Boris Valabik and punched him in the crotch a few times during a scrum, Thrashers coach John Anderson said that he intended to call Campbell for rules clarification after Crosby received just two minutes for roughing.
“Here’s the weird thing,” Anderson said at the time, “if he had punched him in the face, would he have gotten five minutes [for fighting]? A punch to the groin, is that two minutes?”
Valabik, who stood over eight inches taller than Crosby by the way, reacted thusly: “I’ve never seen anything like that before. When I saw it on the video, I felt embarrassed for Crosby a little bit. If that’s the way he plays hockey, that’s all right. It was what it was. That’s what he did. I don’t really want to comment on that too much. It’s kind of embarrassing.”
Crosby didn’t receive anything additional from the League, unless you count a glowing press release touting him as the all-time biggest vote-getter in NHL All-Star Game history.
New York Rangers, May 2014
After a faceoff, Dominic Moore tied up Crosby’s stick with his body. In an effort to free it, or to send a message for future attempts to restrict him, Sid uppercutted Moore’s undercarriage with his stick, sending the Rangers center to the ice.
This was also the sequence in which Henrik Lundqvist infamously gave Crosby a water-bottle bath.
“What did you see that I might have (done)?” Crosby asked a reporter after the game “When he tied me up at that faceoff? I took a shot or he took a shot? What do you mean by I took a shot?”
Gotta love him.
Buffalo Sabres, March 2017
Sidney Crosby ladies and gents. pic.twitter.com/JkvwvSo3TG
— Aivis Kalniņš (@A_Kalnins) March 21, 2017
We obviously covered this at the start of the post, so we’ll just let Sabres coach Dan Bylsma, who of course coached Crosby in Pittsburgh, have the last word.
Or not really say anything, which we guess was his point:
— Matthew Bové (@Matt_Bove) March 22, 2017
Translation: Sid gonna Sid.
Now, please keep in mind that a history of Sidney Crosby’s crotch shots is incomplete unless one includes those times when it was Lil’ Sid getting targeted by opponents:
Ottawa Senators, April 2015
That was Eric Gryba of the Ottawa Senators, lifting his stick in front of his own goal to ward off any attacking Penguin that might have sniffed a rebound chance.
In the process, he nearly bisected Crosby, whom we assume would have simply reconnected his two halves like the T-1000.
Columbus Blue Jackets, November 2015
Fedor Tyutin tuned up Crosby with a spear to the how-do-you-do, enraging the Penguins captain in a sequence from Nov. 2015.
As is the case with these things, there were differing opinions on the matter.
“I saw him coming out o the corner of my eye, so my stick is out there to find him. He said I speared him. I didn’t spear him. My stick was between his legs, but I didn’t spear him,” said Tyutin, who totally speared him.
But sometimes these things do happen by accident…
Montreal Canadiens, January 2015
Wow, 2015 was quite the year for Sid’s nether region.
That’s Jiri Sekac, of the popular question “hey, whatever happened to Jiri Sekac?” After Crosby hit him, the Canadiens’ skate came off the ice and the heel caught Sid right in the store.
Very awkward scene, given that this wasn’t even scheduled to be Crosby’s bris.
Finally, sometimes Sidney Crosby’s crotch shots are … friendly fire.
Evgeni Malkin, April 14
From the keen eyes of The Pensblog comes this GIF of Evgeni Malkin giving Crosby a little cup check before a fan appreciation ceremony.
Keep in mind that at this point in their respective careers, it was Crosby that was usually the assist man.
Well, there you go. A trip into the underworld of the crotches Sidney Crosby has hit, as well as Sidney Crosby’s crotch being hit.
It was a trip around the globes. Hope you packed a sack lunch. Cashew later.
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