If there’s one truism about the NFL, it’s that before long, you’re going to get one absolute dog of a matchup in a prime slot. Like this week, for instance, where you’ll have the “joy” of watching the New York Giants play the San Francisco 49ers (combined record: 3-14) on Monday Night Football. Oh sure, we could complain and whine about that, but why not celebrate it? Why not lean into the skid, at least until we hit the guard rail and go over the cliff? Behold: the Sorry Six.
The rules here are simple: these are the six teams, players, units, coaches or fan bases that turned in the sorriest performances of the week. They’re not necessarily the worst in the league, but they ought to be ashamed of themselves.
Hail and farewell
First, let’s offer a hearty a congratulations to the Oakland Raiders, who are so bad they’re now ineligible for this list. They join the Browns and Giants in the root cellar of suckitude, and we shall not speak of them again this season. You’re sorry, you know you’re sorry, no one needs to be reminded of you any more this year. Adios.
On to our list! First up, the Buffalo Bills, who have not won a game since Week 5 and have not scored 14 points in a game since Week 3. Perhaps not coincidentally, the Bills continue to start Nathan Peterman at quarterback. Look, we generally don’t like to pile on guys who are obviously way in over their heads, but seriously … right at this moment, you very well could be a better QB than Nathan Peterman. Seriously. Check your phone. The Bills might be interested in talking to you. You might be headed to New York this week.
New York Jets
And if you do indeed take that Buffalo Bills QB job, you’ll be facing our second team, the New York Jets. There’s something cruel about the way the Jets grind hopes and dreams into powder, the latest being poor interception-happy Sam Darnold. Sam might end up being a great QB, but he’s going to be feeling the bruises from this year until 2025.
The Lions have taken four more sacks since you began watching this video. Seriously, they’re weathering more hits than a position player brought in to pitch in garbage time. Thanks to the shaky Vikings and the unsteady Packers, the NFC North proved to be a lot less sewn up than we would have expected, but as always, given a chance to make a big gain, the Lions step on their own … let’s say “tails.”
And hey, speaking of teams vomiting all over themselves at the first sign of prosperity, give it up for the Washington Redskins! In first place in the NFC East, with the Eagles struggling and the Cowboys and Giants vaporizing, and what do they do? Fall apart at home to the Atlanta Falcons! Ah, well. Half a season of hope is better than no hope at all, right, Washington fans? Also, somebody please check on the Washington secondary and see how it’s recovering. You can find it in the burn unit.
Next, NFL kickers, who this week proved once again that their capacity for infuriating their teams and fans — in this case, Denver and the Chargers — knows no bounds. And, just as an aside, naming FOOTball after a small part of the game where so much can go wrong so badly is ridiculous, like naming baseball “Pickoff-ball” or basketball “Inbounds-pass ball.” It’s wrong, right from the jump. (Thank you for indulging in this moment of cheesy ’80s-style, brick-wall-and-rolled-up-suit-jacket comedy. Tip your waitresses.)
And finally, Jerry Jones, the architect of the definition-of-mediocre Dallas Cowboys. Everybody’s frustrated with the fact that the Cowboys can’t get out of second gear, but nobody’s willing to make the bold moves that this franchise needs to vault out of the muck. Come on, Jerry! Get your Thanos on! Snap your fingers, wipe out half the organization and see what comes next. What could go wrong?
And that’ll do it for this week’s Sorry Six! Congrats to all the teams that made it, and even more congrats to those that didn’t. Got comments? Hit us up by email or find us on Twitter at @jaybusbee. Catch you next week, and remember … never be sorry.
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