June 24, 2010
Something about Harvard that you likely didn't know, apart from the fact that it does play a small, adorable brand of football there: Many of its more prominent head-coaching positions are endowment-supported, meaning instead of saying, "Such-and-such So-and-so, Head Golf Coach," you get official titles like, "Ted Donato, The Robert D. Ziff '88 Head Coach for Harvard Men's Ice Hockey," and "Stephanie Wriede Morawski, The Costin Family Head Coach for Harvard Women's Swimming & Diving."
College football, we're frequently reminded, is a business, and we're therefore amazed this practice hasn't spread to more schools than it has, particularly private institutions. Your larger football programs, however, are less likely to be overrun by billionaires, so even though a number of the monied boosters are funneling all their donations to athletics anyway, public schools would probably have to go corporate. It's but a matter of time until we see a new Big Ten diving pool filled with delicious Ro-Tel dip, or a Sun Belt team playing on a field covered in a knee-high layer of Golden Flake potato chips. Bust out your YellaWood pencils and let's get these poor, underpaid coaches some sponsorships, stat:
• Bobby Petrino, Mayflower Van Lines Head Coach, University of Arkansas
• Mike Gundy, Just For Men Head Coach, Oklahoma State University
• Dan Hawkins, iPhone 4 Head Coach, University of Colorado
• Jim Tressel, Dockers Head Coach, Ohio State University
• Tom O'Brien, Melba Toast Head Coach, North Carolina State University
• Robb Akey, Smith & Wesson Head Coach, University of Idaho
• Dennis Erickson, Hawaiian Tropic Head Coach, Arizona State University
• Ron Zook, Sea-Doo Head Coach And Head Vending Machine Tamer, University Of Illinois
• Steve Addazio, Lonely Maytag Repairman Offensive Coordinator, University of Florida
• Lane Kiffin, Ed Hardy Head Coach, University of Southern California
• Mack Brown, Maybach Bentley Gulfstream Cohiba Head Coach, University of Texas
Harvard's coach, by the way? Tim Murphy, The Thomas Stephenson Family Head Coach for Harvard Football. Suggestions for further endowments are welcome below, and the sport as a whole thanks you in advance for your assistance in speeding this carousel of progress.
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Matt Hinton is on vacation this week. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.