April 20, 2009
Back at my old stomping grounds, Southern Miss fans didn't turn out in nearly the numbers coach Larry Fedora wanted for USM's spring game Saturday. That's a shame. Some of the Golden Eagle faithful did, however, did tune in to the live Web broadcast of the game. What they heard was this.
In its official apology, Blakeney Communications chalked up the rambling, triple-X, racist conversation between three members of its technical team that went out to online listeners as "a broadcasting error." An apt description for a broadcast that, between sporadic interaction with the actual on-air announcers, included a discourse on the eternal question:
"How do you have sex with a picnic table?"
Other topics of discussion included, in order:
• Various objects employed to host that certain part of a man's anatomy, including the aforementioned picnic table, a Coke bottle, a stack of towels, Homer Simpson house shoes and holes in the ground.
• Going back to skinny girls after fat girls.
• When you were a kid, before you really understood anything, humping the bed.
• The lifespan of sperm.
• Shane's more or less obvious sexual orientation.
• "Anal lube."
• Circumstances under which you should or would wear a condom.
• What happens if you "go inside."
• Women who "didn't always have those female parts."
• Did he see her naked?
• Things the longtime "Voice of the Golden Eagles," play-by-play announcer John Cox, has told them that would get him fired. (Which are, for the record, totally unverified.)
• Low-quality toilet paper at work.
• Buddy's aim.
• Chris' resemblance to actor/director Ron Howard, and his hypothetical success with women. ("Get some of that Joanie, boy.")
• The definition of "Red Snapper Cola."
• How do you spell "snapper?"
• The high quality of Snapper lawnmowers.
• And, of course, the immediate fate of "that N----- College."
Everything else, I can handle, really; you know, boys will be boys. But the last one (presumably directed at historically black Alcorn State, USM's opener in September) is like a big, terrible meteor you see coming from thousands of miles away but still can't stop from crashing. Oh, alma mater. How our hearts lift ever to thee as we praise thy hallowed halls.
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Hat tip: Anonymous, who knows who he is, and who caused a whole group of bloggers to nearly be ejected from a Vegas bar for excessive celebration when it came across the iPhone Saturday night.