March 16, 2009
Holly Anderson and Doug Gillett present their infallible guesses at what awaits in the week ahead.
• Lou Holtz will follow up his ill-advised October remarks comparing Rich Rodriguez to Adolf Hitler by likening rival coach Mark Dantonio to Pol Pot. Due to Holtz's egregious mispronunciation, no one will notice.
• After undergoing a weekend outpatient procedure to reverse a debilitating case of Dead Staring Doll Eyes Syndrome, Tennessee quarterback Jonathan Crompton will complete the most successful week of practice in his career, fumbling only one of every four snaps instead of one in three.
• Within hours of Bryce Brown's much-anticipated signing announcement, recruiting manager Brian Butler will leak word to the media that his next can't-miss prospect, a 6'3", 280-lb long snapper from Olathe, Kan., is already receiving "heavy interest" from a number of elite D-IA programs, but that he's considering bypassing college entirely and signing with the Yokosuka Goblin Sharks of Japan's Honshu Enormous League of Thirteen.
• An angry Steve Spurrier will commission doctored photographs of former Tennessee quarterback Casey Clausen pumping gas at a Texaco station in Antioch, Tenn., and distribute them to boosters and the local media.
• Kansas State head coach Bill Snyder will contact Division II independent University of the Incarnate Word about filling the last open spot on KSU's 2010 schedule.
• Nick Saban will deny rumors that he has spoken with Alabama athletic director Mal Moore about serving as the university's football and basketball coach simultaneously, and an excited Paul Finebaum will interpret this denial as rock-solid confirmation that Saban has agreed to become the 20th head basketball coach of the Crimson Tide.
• In a misguided attempt to garner respect among his peers, Vanderbilt's Mackenzi Adams will have his name legally changed to the more masculine-sounding Madeline.
• Not wanting to be outdone by his predecessor, Rich Rodriguez, West Virginia coach Bill Stewart will open a Twitter account. After confusing Twitter with Microsoft Word, he will accidentally releae the entire contents of his 2009 playbook over a span of three chaotic days.