November 30, 2011
Let's say you hate paying attention to basketball. First off: It is weird that you are here and reading this! (Secondly: Yes, thanks to years of commenting, we are already aware that everyone is an overpaid thug and that football is the best.)
More to the point, let's say you hate paying attention to basketball offseasons in which the only real pieces of news involve economic jargon and legalese that make you want to cram mini-Spaldings in your ears and sing "Roundball Rock" — with your own made-up lyrics, natch — as loud as you can just to drown out "system issues" talk forever. (This is a very reasonable position, especially if your made-up lyrics include elaborate references to Terry Brooks' Original Shannara Trilogy, like mine do.)
If that's the case, you probably haven't been keeping up with these weird past few months. But now that we're going to have a season again, you have to get caught up on everything you've missed, and fast! Thankfully, the Internet has your back. (It always does.)
Just watch Next Media Animation's predictably colorful (and surprisingly informative) breakdown of the road to the tentative agreement and this three-minute compilation of clips from continually frustrating press conferences, ceaseless empty-calories charity exhibition games, Kevin Durant's(notes) continuing quest to be Everybody's All-American and the occasional annihilation of a child by LeBron James(notes). All it takes is five minutes of YouTube-watchin' and you'll be ready to provide expert NBA commentary on local radio stations. Trust me: Anyone can do it. Make a Metta World Peace(notes) joke, say "How u" like it's still a thing, and the rest is cream cheese.
One problem, though: No reference to Brad Miller(notes) launching his own radio-controlled car-racing team. I'm assuming that's just because we don't have video of BMiller Racing in action; otherwise, there's no excuse for leaving out the lockout's biggest story.
Video via CircusBender.com.