January 23, 2008
Hawks center Zaza Pachulia has been suspended by Atlanta coach Mike Woodson. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says it's because of an incident that happened in the middle of Atlanta 's loss to the Trail Blazers on Monday, but we know better. The real skirmish went down in practice the next day.
Obviously, we're well connected, and we've been able to supply the dialogue between coach and the Georgian-born center:
Hawks coach Mike Woodson: Zaza, can I have a word?
Hawks center Zaza Pachulia: You can have many words, coach. I always tell you that.
Woodson: Yeah. Um, we need to talk about your shooting habits. You're shooting a bit too much for my taste.
Zaza: How do you want to taste?
Woodson: It's not if ... hmm. Wasn't expecting that response. Anyway, Zaza, we'd like you to focus on shooting less ...
Zaza: I shoot ball. Watch, I show you!
Woodson: No need for that, Zaza. It's just that your arms are a little short for your body.
Zaza: My arms have grown in the years. Orlando were short. They call me, howdoyousay ... baby helicopter. But I no play baby helicopter anymore. ZAZA NO PLAY BABY HELICOPTER ANY MORE! I learn lesson, glare at camera on Media Day.
Woodson: I remember that, Zaza. You frightened Janet. Hell, you frightened the whole camera crew.
Zaza: I ask them to take picture of me lifting weights. They take picture. THEY NO TELL ME I HAD NO "PACHULIA" ON THE BACK OF MY JERSEY.
Woodson: It's OK, Zaza. We know you work out.
Zaza: But how is everyone else to know?
Woodson: We'll tell them.
Zaza: You tell them I have musky, Victor Mature-like presence?
Woodson: If you shoot less, but rebound and defend more.
Zaza: You want two things?
Woodson: Right. Rebounding, and playing defense.
Zaza: How about shooting, and jump-hooking. Two things!
Woodson: Not really, Zaza. And really those are only one thing.
Zaza: Those are only one thing?
Zaza: Why you say "those," then? Plural, no?
Woodson: Well, yes, but ... let's talk about just the rebounding right now.
Zaza: I no rebound. I shoot and jump-hook, yes?
Woodson: Yes, but ... say you were to rebound ...
Zaza: "You were to rebound." Was you to be repeating, like Funky Cold Medina rhyme?
Woodson: OK, let's put it this way: you no box out.
Zaza: I no box out?
Zaza: YOU NO BOX OUT!
Woodson: That doesn't make any ...
Zaza: YOU NO BOX OUT!
(Woodsen slides in front of Zaza, pushes him back with his rear end, and seals him off with his arms.)
Zaza: You box out!
Woodson: I box out.
Zaza: This makes me sad. I lie down.
Woodson: You can't lie down in practice.
Zaza: Old coach box Zaza out. Sadness takes form of lethargy.
Zaza: I'm lying down.
Woodson: Get up in three seconds, or you're suspended.
Zaza: Want to play Elliott Smith song ...
Woodson: Three ...
Zaza: Today's mood for Zaza? Boxed-out.
Woodson: Two ...
Zaza: I'm somewhere else. In front of a fountain. Close to Epcot.
Woodson: One. You're suspended.