Ball Don't Lie - NBA

Jason Kidd wants out of New Jersey, and Nets personnel boss Rod Thorn is more than willing to aid in any transaction that eases Kidd out of a Net uniform. The other day, Kidd's agent Jeff Schwartz told Thorn of Kidd's demand to be traded, and yesterday Kidd followed up on the demand in a meeting with Thorn.

You might not believe it, but we have the transcript in hand.

Jason Kidd: Jeff told you, huh?

Rod Thorn: Yes sir.

Kidd: Preferably, I'd like to go to the Lakers, Yankees, Mavericks, Heat, or Celtics.

Thorn: Yankees?

Kidd: Or Red Sox.

Thorn: The baseball-Boston Red Sox?

Kidd: I don't want Jason Collins to be traded with me. Dude steals my triple-doubles. 

Thorn: What does that mean?

Kidd: A triple-double is when you get double-figures in points, rebounds, and assists.

Thorn: I know that, I meant ...

Kidd: No teams with blue uniforms. 

Thorn: Have you seen what Dallas wears?

Kidd: On the flight out, I want an aisle seat. Something light for a in-flight entertainment. "Daddy Day Care" or that Rock movie with the girl and the ball with the sparkles.

Thorn: Jason, I'm going to have to stop you there.

Kidd: Nothing can stop me on my way to a championship. That's what I was put on Earth to do.

Thorn: Jason, you're not being interviewed, stop it. You do realize how hard it is to trade someone who makes as much money as you, right? You're making 19.7 million dollars this season.

Kidd: Yeah. I'm awesome.

Thorn: Be that as it may, we have to match that salary in any trade we make.

Kidd: Kwame makes that much.

Thorn: Kwame doesn't make that much. Very few people do.

Kidd: You make that much.

Thorn: No, I don't.

Kidd: Know why?

Thorn: Why, Jason?


Thorn: Great. Either way, there's not a lot we can do under NBA salary cap law that could ease you into a new team.

Kidd: I break laws all the time. I don't even have draft picks to do it with.

Thorn: What?

Kidd: I mean, it's easier for you to break a law, because you can just send someone a draft pick to make up for it.

Thorn: No, I mean, you break laws all the time?

Kidd: Did you see where I parked today? Look. (Points to a window, Thorn peers outside.)

Thorn: Right on the sidewalk. Ran over some kid's bike, too.

(Kidd beams.)

Thorn: Brav-o.

Kidd: Not even my car. It's Josh Boone's car. I took it, I'm keeping it. Josh Boone gets NO TRIP-LE DOUB-LES!

Thorn: You know, Malik Allen called me about this same sort of thing last month, and I just thought he was joking, or drunk, or both.

Kidd: Patriots!

Thorn: You like the Patriots on Sunday?

Kidd: You can trade me to the Patriots, broseph.

Thorn: No. No, I can't.

Kidd: Salary cap law? I told you: draft picks!

Thorn: Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Not without hurting my team. Not without taking back contracts of players that I don't want. Not without having to trade for Lamar Odom ...


Thorn: Or Jason Terry ...


Thorn: Or Nene Hilario ...

Kidd: NO TRIP-LE ... oh. My thoughts and prayers are with him, and his family. He just wants to win a championship, like me. That's all we're in it for.

Thorn: Jason, again, no reporters are here.

Kidd: What if you traded half of me to a team, like with Vince Carter, and I could play half the time with the Lakers for half-price, and part of the time with the Nets? 

Thorn: I don't know where to start. "Like with Vince Carter?"

Kidd: You know how he plays with the Raptors on the off days?

Thorn: He doesn't play with the Raptors. He's been a Net since December of 2004!

Kidd: He seems awfully tired. I just assumed.

Thorn: I honestly can't fault you, there.

Kidd: What if I go to David Stern, and say, like, "hey, David Stern. I'll give you, like, 14 triple-doubles if you let me go to the Lakers?"

Thorn: How do you give someone a triple-double?

Kidd: Just gave the Nuggets one.

Thorn: Oh, I get it.

Kidd: Gave the Bobcats two, gave the Magic one, the Hawks one, gave triple-doubles to the whole damn Eastern seaboard.

Thorn: And what would David Stern do with his 14 triple-doubles?

Kidd: Whatever the hell he wants! Steal some [stuff] from the Cheesecake Factory, cold-cock a red-headed dude just for the hell of it, burn [stuff] ... it's a triple-double!

Thorn: I really wish I'd, you know, engaged in an actual conversation with you before signing that contract extension.

Kidd: '85 Bears!

Thorn: You want me to trade you to a football team from 23 years ago.

Kidd: The Triple-Double Shuffle! (Rapping) "My name is J-Kidd, and I like to pass. Rippin' triple-doubles is better than ro-mance ..."

Thorn: You know who could really use some triple-doubles? The Hawks.

Kidd: I'm just here to win a championship. It's my life's ambition, and a dream I've had since I was a child. I'll do it anything for it.

Thorn: Did you just set my desk on fire?

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