Ball Don't Lie - NBA

Alan Hahn put a column together today that details Zach Randolph's frustrations with life as a New York Knick. He also went as far to report about a proposed deal with the New Jersey Nets that would have sent the power forward to New Jersey, but the Knicks turned the potential transaction down because it would involve Vince Carter heading to NYC.

Now, Hahn's a terrific reporter, but this is just bad journalism, and you deserve better. A tape of Nets boss Rod Thorn and New York counterpart Isiah Thomas talking has been floating around the internets all day. Luckily, I took the time to transcribe it for you.

Rod Thorn: Hi Isiah. I'm going to have to make this short, I just finished a conversation with one of my players, and now my desk reeks of torched mahogany and fire extinguisher fumes.

Isiah Thomas: Kidd got another triple-double last night?

Thorn: Wait, how do you know about ...

Isiah: What do you think of Zach Randolph?

Thorn: Ugh.

Isiah: What do you mean, "ugh." The man is a scoring machine!

Thorn: That is true.

Isiah: You guys can barely put together 40-point halves.

Thorn: 40. About what you're paying Larry Brown to not coach you this year?

Isiah: Well-played.

Thorn: Sorry, man. Fumes.

Isiah: I love Zach Randolph. Truly love him. Love that game, love his smile, love his ...

Thorn: You want to trade him here?

Isiah: Totally.

Thorn: Jason Collins, Antoine Wright, Jamaal Magloire.

Isiah: "Sucks, tuberculosis, ball-point pen." I love word association!

Thorn: No. that's what I'll give you for Randolph.

Isiah: I know. I cheated on the "pen"-thing. There's one on my desk.

Thorn: I could kind of tell.

Isiah: Yeah. Zach's really turned things around. I just need more room in the low post for Eddy Curry.

Thorn: Isn't he a little strip club-happy? He's not going to be happy with the Tuesday afternoon fare here in East Rutherford.

Isiah: Not anymore. I told him that strip clubs around here only have doors on the right side, and open from the middle-out. He won't use his right hand, so he won't go to any.

Thorn: [Flippin'] genius.

Isiah: I know, right? I also drafted David Lee.

Thorn: Why won't he ask a teammate for help, you know, opening the doors for him?

Isiah: That's the thing, and I see it on the court all the time: he won't ask for help. His man blows by him, and he keeps it all to himself. A real man's man, Zach is.

Thorn: Did you tell him that only worked in New York?

Isiah: I said, "the whole tri-state area."

Thorn: [Flippin']-a. You're brilliant.

Isiah: Renaldo Balkman, my man. Renaldo Balkman.

Thorn: OK, I'll give you Vince Carter for him.

Isiah: Can you get him out of his Raptors contract, too?

Thorn: Why does everyone think that he plays for the Raptors, too?

Isiah: He looks awfully tired.

Thorn: Maybe he does play for the Raptors ...

Isiah: Either way, I can't take Vince.

Why not?

Isiah: Overpaid. Takes too many jumpers. Doesn't play defense. Pouts like some MySpace-addled emo [rear-end]hole. Not my style.

Thorn: Not your style? Stephon Marbury-not your style, or Jamal Crawford-not your style?

Isiah: That's in the past, man. This is 2008. We're in it to win a championship.

Thorn: Have either you, or Jason Kidd, heard of the San Antonio Spurs? The Pistons, even?

Isiah: It's what we were put on Earth to do. It's a dream that we're trying to make reality. I won't stop working until I put a banner up at Madison Square Garden.

Thorn: What?

Isiah: Sorry, man. Dolan just walked by my office. Dude's got ears for days. Anyway, I don't want Carter. We have a no-headband rule.

Thorn: That's incredibly untrue.

Isiah: Don't hire Canadians.

Thorn: Born in Florida. Not Canadian.

Isiah: We retired number 15. Twice.

Thorn: Vince will wear 14.

Isiah: About what you're going to have to pay Lamar Odom next year?

Thorn: I had that coming.

Isiah: What about sending us Kidd?

Thorn: Won't Marbury mope a ton?

Isiah: No way. Steph and I are tight. He's in my office right now.

Thorn: Really? Put him on the phone.

Isiah: Uh, sure.

Stephon Marbury: Hi, Rod Thorn.

Thorn: That you, Steph?

Marbury: Yes. I'm totally Stephon Marbury. Best point guard in the game. My shoes are awesome. I get everybody involved.

Thorn: Renaldo?

Renaldo Balkman: Yes, uh ... no?

Thorn: We worked you out before the draft. I remember your voice. Marbury was in New Jersey for a few years, too.

Balkman: I'm totally Stephon Marbury. Isiah Thomas doesn't hit me. I fell down some stairs. Playoffs in '09, championship in '10!

Thorn: Tell Isiah he can have Carter.

Balkman: What, that [wussy]? Are the Raptors cool with that?

Thorn: Hangs up phone.

Balkman: Are you hanging up the phone? Why did you just say that out loud?

Thorn: The guy writing this isn't good at dialogue.

Balkman: Dwyer?

Thorn: Yeah. (Hangs up phone.)

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